Results

So it came and went. I was at least pregnant for a bit, this i know. I know R is convincing himself it didn't happen - probably a protection thing - it's not so easy to protect yourself though when you can feel every drop every twinge, feel everything puring out of you.

So it's back to waiting, to queuing to desperately trying to find the money for another go. To wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, wondering how many times we'll put ourselves through this. All I can think of, is that we can't afford to stay in our house, pay the mortgage, and bills and do IVF or raise a family.

All I can think of is the pain of egg collection, of feeling every movement of the needle, of crying constantly and desperately wishing it would end. Of the waiting - talking to yourself like a twat, with your hand protectively on your stomach, constantly. Of your heart in your mouth when the blood starts - of the tears, the inability to breathe, of the wish to go to sleep and never wake up.

So it all becomes cold and clinical and financial and soul-destroying, all over again...

Results

So this morning I got the call. Out of our 7 eggs, 7 were mature - which shows good quality. However, out of those 7 eggs, only 4 have fertilised, and we still don't know whether they will continue to divide yet until tomorrow morning.

Thing is, they said they'll ring us at 10am to let us know if/ how they've developed, but we'll already be on our way down anyway, because of motorways and traffic.

DH is positive and hopeful - I'm really not. I can't remember how I felt at this point last time, maybe it's the fact I'm still in pain after yesterday, but I feel negative and disheartened and just want to cry all the time. After everything that happened yesterday, I'm not sure I can do egg collection again. Definitely not awake anyway, and I don't think my clinic will even consider knocking me out.

I'm so scared, and terrified, and wish I wasn't so negative :'(

Egg Collection

I took my HcG shot at 2230 Saturday 3rd November. I was booked in for egg collection at 1030 Monday 5th November. I took 10mg temazepam the night before (as directed). We arrived at the clinic, waited around a bit, and went back through the paperwork again.

You know, I knew it was going to be painful, but that was ridiculous. Not something I was expecting at all.

I got changed, took my 2 remaining temazepam and took 2 paracetamol suppositories (believe me, when you're struggling to go to the loo anyway, nothing is more likely to make you want to go to the loo than shoving something up there).

So I went into the room, and luckily DH was allowed to come with me. I was told some people feel nothing. I wish that had been the case with me :(

First of all the game me some antibiotics, but couldn't find a vein that'd take it - yes I do appear to be a human pincushion. Eventually they administered them, my feet went into stirrups and the Dr gave me a local anaesthetic vaginally. Oh my god the pain was immense - luckily I was already on Entinox, but it didn't stop me crying throughout the whole procedure and feeling every movement of the needle, and I drained more than a cylinder of the gas too. I also really hurt DH's hand, that I held throughout the whole thing.

Out of 18 follicles (I had really hoped a few more would've grown over the weekend), they retrieved 15eggs. The recipient got the extra egg, which for some reason really pissed me off. I know I'm happy donating, but frankly after I went through the drugs and horrific egg collection I felt I'd earnt the extra. The nurses said the extra always goes to the recipient but not one managed to give me a good enough reason as to why, and I had never been told this during appointments. (You know, it comes to something when the pain and trauma you go through means you're not even entitled to keep your own egg.. Anyway, that's by the by, I will always feel pissy about that I guess).

Having harvested 15eggs I can see why some women are so so tempted to want to keep the lot - I thought of the needles I wouldn't have to go through, or the egg collection I wouldn't have to have, and I must admit, I was tempted. Who wouldn't be? I am, after all, only human. However I made a promise, and I don't break them. Hopefully those 8 eggs will help another couple have a child.

Now I had no problem with egg collection - I know what they do, I know it hurts a LOT after, I know the risks - however, for me, being awake throughout the whole thing was incredibly traumatic, and I felt made the whole IVF procedure a lot worse than it needed to be. I know there are anaesthetic risks, but frankly the risk of me moving during draining was far higher and ran a far higher risk of internal damage. If we have to do this again I really don't know what I'm going to do. The thought of going through this process again - awake, is already terrifying me.

Drugs

When I phoned up for my results, which were OK (that's all the woman would say 'OK' not actually what the specific number was) I was told that The Dr wants to speak to me about Clexane. If they're about to now refuse me the drugs, I might be about to totally kick off.

R's telling me to stay calm, and I was calm, until I was told to see the Dr for a discussion on Wednesday. Feeling nervous.

Hormones

I might be a little tetchy - this could be due to the hormones, lack of sleep, being a human pin cushion, or all of the previous points.

I haven't bloated as much as last time apparently - but last time I was eating ice-cream every evening for 2 weeks until I got pregnant (a study had just come out saying it increased chances of pregnancy). This time I'm not allowed dairy due to the Endo, so.. it's helping my waistline at least.

Literally walked into the clinic today for a blood-test, everyone else much have been there really early, I felt I left early enough as it was (and that's with my journey that took well over an hour), you gotta love rush hour and motorways. Blood test really hurt. Now I know they say 'you'll feel a sharp scratch' and normally that's all it is, just discomfort, but Holy Hell! Today damn well hurt - like a blinding sharp pain that carried on after the needle was well and truly out :(

I should've prepared myself for acupuncture based on that, but I didn't - and every bloody one shocked and hurt. Wasn't much fun. 3/4 of the way through she took them out and I had some in my back. Doesn't hurt as much as the front apparently. Haha - yeah right! I was shocked, quite physically, at how much they hurt too - even the Dr was jumping away from me! I hope I didn't make any patients outside nervous with my howls! :/

So - now I'm just waiting for 1.30pm when I have to ring the results line and hope my hormones are where they should be - and then back to clinic on Wednesday for another blood test (my poor frikkin' veins!), a scan (oh joy) and more acupuncture. the same is due Friday too. Work won't be happy.

Saturdays child works hard for a living

Thursday's child doesn't sleep too well on a Saturday it seems.

So I've taken 3 Menopur shots so far, and I have to alternate sides every day;

Wednesday - LEFT Menopur RIGHT Suprefact
Thursday - LEFT Suprefact RIGHT Menopur
Friday - LEFT Menopur RIGHT Suprefact

Last night I got really frustrated - managed to do the Menopur shot perfectly (for once), but the Suprefact messed up as I kept getting a vacuum which was cocking up how much was in the vial and every time I drew enough up, it continued to leak out once I released the plunger. I threw the needle out and started again afresh with no probs. I'm now down to the very last shot in the 1st bottle, it's always this one I hate the most! ;)

So, unable to sleep I am watching Fearless (Jet Li) on the sofa. I had forgotten how much I love this film.

It feels weird this timem not sharing tx with others. I've always relied on friends to get me through these things, but with everything that happened last time, friends just became a reminder, and I guess I don't want to curse us with too many people knowing - that becomes too many people who will ask questions you never want to hear, so it seems safer not to give them opportunity.

It seems next week will be a hectic one for me: Blood test on Monday. Blood tests and scans on Wednesday and Friday. Some time in between that, I'm hoping to be called for interview for a job I would really love, but I know you can't have it all, so I'm not expecting anything. It does seem typical that everything seems to be happening in the next few weeks

1st day of Menopur

The last few days have been - upsetting to say the least. After talking to other people about MC's and totally panicking that I wasn't doing enough to prevent it, I found a lot of women with endometriosis had been prescribed Clexane, and that it made a difference. I got really angry I hadn't even heard of it, and spoke to my clinic when I went in for my blood test. I also read about GNrH which increases chances of pregnancy in women with endo by 4fold. The clinic didn't seem too bothered by my questions (or with providing answers) but I wanted to know why I wasn't on it. I was told the Dr wasn't in but that a note would be left, and when I phoned up for my blood test results they'd let me know whether I could have it.

I came home and cried. R came home and I cried again. I felt so helpless, and started talking about what was the point in trying again if they're not going to try anything to help me. So terrified of another MC.

Today I rung for my blood results and told to take Menopur tonight. I was also told that a msg had been left for the Dr re: Clexane, but he hadn't see it yet as someone had put a piece of paper over the note left in my file. I was told I'd be rung back. So I waited. When I got the call I was told that the Dr said it would be OK for me to have it, didn't see the point as it didn't make a difference, but on the other hand it wasn't contraindicated either.

So I'm allowed it. This was from a Locum Dr, I was told the regular Dr would be told tomorrow. Now I assume having been told I can have it from one, means the other should agree, as having just got an OK for this, for the other Dr to turn around and say no.. well, it shouldn't happen, right?

Today I started my Menopur. 3 powders to 1 vial. As I'm injecting Suprefact at the same time, I injected Suprefact into the right side of my stomach and Menopur into my left. I have to alternate every day. I'd forgotten again how much it stung, and I'm not used to injecting twice into my stomach, so now I inject on either side, which is weird for me, but you do what you gotta do right? The Clexane will also be a daily injection, but frankly it'll be worth it. At least I know I'm going into it this time doing everything I possibly can. Whatever happens now is out of my hands. I hope so much, that I get through every stage..

I'm sick of banging me head against a brick wall and having to fight for stuff that should be common bloody sense. I am so glad it's half-term this week, I'm not sure I'd have got through school otherwise.

The TV is telling me that the last time a woman can have an abortion is at 24weeks - that's 6months. 6 months. I feel sick. I feel unbelievably sick.

Suprefact and the waist that knows no bounds

So far I have had 5 Suprefact injections of 0.5ml a night. Now I appreciate 0.5ml doesn't look a lot, but the disposable needles I've got make it look an obscene amount. It's really quite scary, and whilst only a little needle, still painful. It lso makes my legs itch a lot and stings.

My body shape has changed. Hugely (and yes, unfortunately that is the most appropriate word). I've never been 'super-skinny', but I had a cracking figure a week ago, and apparently was 'hot' (as described by a colleague when telling me I'd risen up the 'fit list' in school, which was flattering). 5 days later? Not so much, no. I am now a human made out of silly putty - the human equivalent of a waterbed. My skins moves where it shouldn't and I wobble - which is utterly depressing and very upsetting when you consider I am not eating any junk food at all, and eat very healthily. This is just the way I am with hormones, and it sucks.

I thought I was prepared, with this being our 2nd IVF cycle, but it appears not. I'm actually finding this change harder to deal with this time - maybe it reminds me of last time, who knows. I know I am not enjoying it, and the closer the date approaches, the more nervous I get. Part of me wants to run screaming, because isn't it easier not to try than not achieve - after all, if you don't try, you can't lose right? I know it's a stupid thought process, more than anything, but sometimes it feels the right one. I'm glad I'm egg-sharing, it's keeping me going, knowing there is someone out there relying on me. Someone I can't possibly let down.

So my period is expected this weekend - oh joyous day that will be! ;) I will however be able to see whether the acupuncture has made any difference so far. So nervous about that too.

The other irritating thing at the moment is the list of food stuff I am not allowed to eat, and that's before we even consider the possibility of me getting pregnant. No dairy, no meat, no wheat. Yup, I know, it's not leaving an awful lot. I've even had to give up my mini-cheddars, which got me through school.

I am cooking more, but not managed 'no meat' yet. with everything else on top it's very difficult. It will all be worth it if it all works, guess it's the waiting that's the hardest.

Not happy

Today I had to write an e-mail to my HoD and Headteacher explaining the next 4+week. I hated every second of it, and resent having to constantly explain myself.

And so it goes..

..and so it goes, and you're the only one who knows.

So today I had my first injection - Suprefact (or Buserilin as I know it by). It stung, and I had a disposable needle. Previously I'd had to inject twice a day, this time it's just once, but i think it's more stuff - probably why it stung, and nervousness and forgetting how it felt, meant maybe i wasn't prepared, or was more anxious about it this time.

I feel so alone - so terribly alone, I know I'm not, and I know R is beside me in this, but even he said it doesn't feel real, and he can't get his hopes up cos of last time. I get that - I really do, but I'm dreading the drugs changing the way I look. I could find this more manageable if it wasn't so visually obvious I guess. When your body changes drastically, you're more aware of what it is that you haven't achieved, or more to the point, what you have lost.

I know what will be will be, but I am scared and nervous I won't be good enough, that my body won't do well enough, that i will let not only us down, but the recipient too.

I don't want to talk, because talking hurts too much, and I'm scared of negativity coming out of my mouth and becoming true. I don't want people to ask how I'm doing, whether I'm pregnant, I don't want to jinx us.

To want something - so completely and utterly, so desperately - it tears the soul, makes you fiercely strong, and determined, and yet weakens you at your very core, making you so vulnerable and so defenseless...

I guess that's life though - nothing if there isn't anything to reach for - nothing if there isn't anything lose..

Egg sharing

Went yesterday for our appointment with the consultant. The protocol seems the same as last time - 21day protocol where they treat me like a car, strip everything out, clean it ll up, soup up the engine and hopefully restore everything with a few new parts included. I'll balloon like a whale, and feel utterly revolting, but hey - you go through what you have to in order to get where you want to go, right?

I finally had a question put to me yesterday that I've been thinking about for weeks now. What if I only produce enough eggs for one person, what will I do with them? I had already decided I'd give everything to the recipient - after all, it's not fair, once something has been agreed, to go back on your word, plus I couldn't do it to her. She will have been on drugs running alongside me, so her body will be prepared to receive an embryo - so to get that far and for me to say 'you know what, I'm keeping half the stuff you need' for me, is just plain wrong. I have eggs, I can wait a few months and go again if I have to (even though it's far from ideal), but she would have to wait for someone else to agree to donate. Frankly she'll have been through enough as it is, I'm not adding to the heartache.

I told DH what I'd decided, and he rightly pointed out he thought it was going to be a joint discussion - I felt marginally guilty, it hadn't even occurred to me he wouldn't feel the same way, and luckily he agrees with me.

Now we just keep our fingers crossed that everything goes well. I am nervous - of course I am, who wouldn't be?

7miles high

Well, we've now been married 3weeks! I can't believe we actually did it - moreso because the whole day is a bit of a blur and we're still struggling to claw back memories of it! We have the photos, which are great, now all we're waiting for is the DvD from the videographer, which will be nice to see as I think we both respectively missed so much!

Things are different, in a nice way - I didn't think it was possible for us to feel closer, but we definitely are, subtle difference, but still differences. :)

I also got my test results back from CARE as well, and I'm eligible to donate. They've also matched me up with a recipient! I am now excited and nervous and we'll see what our next appointment brings!

The week that was

I could write so much. Reams and reams, but I neither have the time nor the inclination for the tirade at present. I resent a lot of things at the moment - mainly with regards to my parents, we won't go into it, let's just say they'll have had their pound of flesh free, and they're never getting any more.

Wedding plans are good. Things have been sorted and discussed and everything is ready to go. Payment was a bitch, but I know will be worth it, and it's a fairly chilled out affair thankfully, and I think reflects us really well as a couple. Everything has been a joint decision, and I'm not one of those weirdo's who's insisted on everything being pink, lilac or both - there have been some truly tackyrific weddings this summer, vomit-inducing doesn't begin to cover it.

Aside from everyone deciding now to have a trauma (not enough attention, have a breakdown!), my only stress for the big ay is the traffic. There's a huge music festival on on the weekend and apparently it will have a huge impact on the day.

There's been a lot of flapping from his Mum, but as we pointed out, we made everyone aware of this fact, and if they're not intelligent to consider this into our plans, that's their problem and not ours - neither am i interested in making it our problem.

I'm due to arrive at the venue 3hrs earlier than planned at the moment - would rather be there early than stuck in 4hr tailbacks. He's the same. Different rooms obviously. I also want to spnd time with one person and I can't see that happening. What I don't want is the world and his wife stuck around me for 5hrs before I get married. Already I'm feeling incredibly claustraphobic :/

IVF

Blood tests done today, and a counselling session, Re: Egg sharing

Only time will tell (4weeks) where we go from here. *crosses fingers*

Wedding Plans afoot

Wow - it's been nearly a month since my last edit, and so much has happened!

• Date booked
• Venue booked
• Registrar booked
• I have my dress (which is currently being altered and made much smaller)
• We have given notice
• Wedding rings bought
• Engagement ring has been altered and the edges filed down (it's now very very comfortable and incredibly sparkly!)
• Bridesmaid dress has been bought & sent (whether it fits or not depends on whether I need to look elsewhere)
• Flowers have been semi-ordered, still waiting to hear back
• wedding cake chosen and ready to order
• Invites made and ready to go out

So yeah, a lot has been sorted already! :D

Weddings: What the FUCK?!

I can happily say I hate weddings. Truly.

I thought weddings meant to mean excitement and doing things together for a celebration day. Yeah.. not so much. Since we've got engaged we've argued, snapped at each other and probably disliked each other more than we ever have before. There are times where he pisses me off, and I can guarantee I'm also pissing him off.

So far weddings, to me, appear to be a faff and a nuisance and I no longer like them. If we could get married without the wedding - we would (well actually, I guess I can't speak for him, but I sure as shit would).

Giving notice

We went to give notice today - only we have to make an appointment to give notice to marry - bit of faff but doable, right? Only we can't give notice on the weekend - no, it has to be between 9am and 4.30pm, Monday to Friday. Helpful. Really helpful, so before we even get the any organisation I have to get time off work to register our intent to marry? This is taking the piss, and I can tell you now, school won't be happy. I work away from where I live, so trying to get the authorisation to leave early, to get to the train station to catch a train in, to get to the registry office, to give the notice and go through the paperwork.. yeah they're not going to like it at all - especially because this means then that they'll have to have someone to cover my lessons, which makes me either unpopular with the finance manager (who spends the money on a supply), or another member of staff, who will be expected to cover my class.

Wedding Lists

We thought we'd be clever, register and zap things and it'd be one less thing to worry/ stress about, right? Wrong - you have to know when you're getting married - and at the same time, give 4months notice - I mean seriously, you're kidding, right? Plus the raddled old harridan that spoke to us was rude and ignorant and pissed us both off. Frankly it's put my off guests lists and any semblance of a big wedding even moreso than I was previously. I don't care whether anyone wears flowers, or whether my eyes accentuate the season/ surrounding/ political viewpoint at present. I have no time or interest in any of these 'details' (a.k.a. 'pointless shit'). I get it's important for some, I really do, but seriously, I have better things to do, like building an ecologically friendly miniaturised version of the Taj Mahal out of toilet roll and honey.


So, you can see from my clearly calm and patient manner - I am not a wedding convert. We keep saying the fun bit will kick in soon, but I'm not holding my breath, blue is not my colour..

Weddings

So, still no clue to what kind of wedding we're going for. bizarrely enough my dress has been found and bought (2nd hand, so a quarter of the price!). Sample wedding rings have just been ordered. We still have no clue what we do want but we're getting a very clear idea of what we don't want.

Money is an issue - isn't it always? But I'm totally skint so the credit card is coming out, which I really didn't want to do, but never mind. At least we're moving forward, and giving notice on the weekend :)

Weddings, money and timing

When it comes down to it - when it really comes down to it, what's important to me? Who do I need there? Simple, him and his immediate family. I could happily invite friends and other people, but the people I love, love me enough to know what's more important is that there isn't anyone there that could ruin it all.

I've planned quite a big day today - sorted out a wedding and a reception in a beautiful place. sorted the dress, the flowers, and the list. So we talked about it, and as things got agreed or disagreed, I realised that none of it was as important as the time. That I wasn't prepared to sacrifice IVF for a wedding day. That the bigger this thing got, the more complicated and the less comfortable I was with it all. I know my friends will be upset not to be there, but I'm hoping they'll understand it's not because I don't want them there that we're considering something that pretty much no-one will be at.

So what's more important, to do everything politically correct, or to have a day we'll never regret? For me, the choice is clear. Just not sure we're going to be able to do it the way we want.

What would I do?

Tonight I got asked what the hell I'd do on the internet once we have kids and are married. Thing is, I don't know, because I really can't see either happening. I know we got close this time (physically believe me, i fucking know - every second of the last few days, I know), I know that I really do, but I'm so scared of the future and so aware how easily you can lose something. I daren't even begin to hope that we'll actually see it through to the end and end up with what matters to us most, that seems too much to ask for.

As for getting married - well I know we are, but that also doesn't seem a reality either. Too many factors, too many different ideas, things that matter, things that don't, stress and politics. Already I know I'm due a metric shit-load of stress from my family and I've just zoned out. Already we're tailoring what we want, for other people. Do you think anyone actually does exactly what they want for their wedding? Or is that just for the obscenely rich?

Money is a huge factor. Me being me, I want both things. I want to do our next IVF, and I want to get married. I don't want to wait for both. Waiting and thinking and planning things leads me to getting incredibly stressed and agitated. Already I'm trying to find a way to get my engagement ring as cheaply as possible. I know it's real life, but it's not what - it's not what I expected I guess. If we weren't doing IVF, I would think 'ouch' but would still happily get it without blinking much of an eyelid, and help pay for it too (only fair), but I look at the price and think 'That could be going towards IVF' - which is how I think in terms of the wedding too. why spend stupid money on things we do for other people, that could go towards IVF.

So, when the question comes up about what would i do once we're married and (hopefully *crosses fingers*) no longer need IVF? I answer, 'stop. live. breathe...'.

Blood Test results

Blood test shows my levels are dropping. The Dr was so nice, kept saying how sorry he was. We're due to go back next Thursday for another scan and blood test. I'm going to ask how long we have to wait until we can try again.

There are so many options now:

• Which IVF unit?
• Can we buy drugs ourself?
• Which units will let you provide your own drugs?
• Which units do Egg-sharing (for me as donor)

Are we better off staying where we are? After all our unit was our local one, and handier for if things go wrong (as we've just found out). Any other unit is at least an hour away.

I'm a mixture of emotions: Anger, frustration, upset, crushed. Part of me wants to cry constantly, part of me wants to smash everything up.

Large part of me wants to go and spend a lot of money, but I don't have it to spend! Dreading going back to work, really dreading it. Right now curling up, closing my eyes, and never waking up again, really appeals.

Only thing keeping me going is DH. I'm worried about him - he doesn't do emotions, and sometimes they catch up with him. He's being strong and positive, and I wonder whether he's doing it for me or him. I wonder if it's sunk in yet, I wonder if he really knows what we've just lost.. I hope he's OK. I know he won't talk, and we both said last night, 'what is there to say?', it's done. But I worry because I love him. As long as we have each other, we can get through anything.

Miscarriage and Hospitals

So, yesterday we miscarried. It was quite spectacular really - still is. 5weeks and 1day. Probably doesn't mean a lot to some, but it did to us, very much so. Started bleeding, which increased, as did the pain, until DH came home early from work after I told him suspected miscarriage and a change to our scan. By the time he was home I could barely function from the pain, and the bleeding had increased somewhat. I took paracetamol and a hot water bottle and it continued in this vein for another 6hrs. I still have pain/ cramping.

Scan today did nothing but confuse us. The womb lining is still thick and intact so I have NO idea where the blood is coming from, and because it's quite early at 5weeks there was nothing else to see on the Ultrasound.

Even though my breasts have shrunk there's still a part of me desperately clinging to the hope that 1 embryo might make it (IVF implants 2). It can happen, but that's usually when it's not accompanied by bright red blood and intense horrific cramping. DH has accepted it's over.. I think I have, but am forever clinging to hope :/

I get the results of my blood test this afternoon. The cramps are still present, so it's not exactly going to be a shock.. :(

I need to know where we go from here, when we can start the cycle again - I need to have something to aim for, else I can see a sink hole somewhere.

First post

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose an Assisted Conception Unit with a fucking big price tag, Choose scans and conversations, vial snappers and mixing needles. Choose good health, low fat, high fibre and vitamin supplements. Choose credit cards and remortgages. Choose your friends. Carefully. Choose stress and anxiety. Choose early starts and injecting, wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, analysing every single item of food you put into your mouth. Choose constant agitation and worry and waiting for results, and hoping at the end of it all to see the brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

Hmmm, gotta be honest none of this is striking me as cathartic yet, and who knows where it's going to end up. I decided that maybe this was the best way to go with everything that's gone on. something for me, somewhere I can write how I feel without platitudes or people telling me they get it, when frankly they don't have the first fucking clue. anononimity, gotta love it, can never fucking spell it.

I get bored with being expected to show my life to the masses, or rather the people who want to poke me with a stick and see how I react. Fucking violently is the answer, but I play nice and plot their downfall under my breath whilst cursing them and plaguing them with quite nasty infections and severed appendages. What can I say, I'm nothing if not imaginative (and vicious).

I wonder if I'm allowed to swear on this site. Gonna be a bloody short lived blog if not.

Went to ASDA to get some food, and whilst there DH suggested I get a bra. Went for the Katie Price range (shhh! Don't tell!) Seeing as I'm way out of 'normal' range in ASDA anyway. Bought a nice cream and pink bra, which actually looks amazing on. I fill it well. It's 32F! OMG!! *grins* So, it looks great, really great, it's a balcony type bra, so the straps aren't where I expect, and rub a little - I think I'll grow out of this quite quickly, but hopefully by the time I desperately need to update it it'll me maternity bras I'll be buying ;)

Out

So, I went to the wedding yesterday.

Turned up at V's house and just felt sick - it was a tip, complete tip, and smelt so weird. I don't know whether it actually did or whether it is me, but there you go. She offered me a drink and I had a drink of squash, but couldn't drink it all cos it smelt odd, and nothing was clean and I just didn't feel it was safe.

Anyway, spent a few hours absolutely terrified I could feel TotM coming - just awful, and was nearly in tears. DH arrived to take us and Val to the registry office (which was cringe-worthy) and I noticed how many people smoked, and couldn't stand far enough away without looking rude :( Noticed a heavily pregnant woman there who was smoking away with her partner, and got so angry! It bothered me all day. Pointed it out to DH and he said he wasn't convinced she was pregnant.

Left the registry office to go for family gathering a V's IL's house. There was smoking everywhere - and her MIL chainsmokes in the house, which I found incredibly difficult to get through. There was smoking outside, there was smoking inside, there was no getting away from it :/ Here we found out the woman I thought was pregnant, was indeed pregnant, and is due in August, with makes her 7months now, so I had no respect for her at all, or her partner, how can people do such things?! Also made me think, if she's been chain smoking through pregnancy and is 7months now, then I have more of a chance of things going OK, surely?

Evening reception was in the liberal club - which was heavily smoky, and I stayed for a bit until I saw some of my friends and then we left. Getting into the car all I could smell on me and DH was smoke, and it made me feel so sick and I felt wheezy (and still do this morning). Got home, ate a bit, and then threw up (think it's from the constant burping that I don't seem to be able to stop). Embarrassing really.

Today I have a headache and feel grody, but I'm sure it'll pass.

Took my last pessary last night, so from now on everything I feel will be 'me' which is nice, so I'll give it 48hrs or so to get out of my system, and hopefully it'll mean no more cramps! *crosses fingers*

Today I went looking for bras, but to no avail. My friend R asked if I'd had a boob job last night - I laughed and said no, she'd not wrong though, they're huge. I have one 32DD I'm still managing to squeeze them into, but it's not comfortable - I actually have a 'TotM bra', which is big and white, but right now it's invaluable, but not amazing unfortunately. Have ordered some cheap 32F bras to tide me over to 12weeks. Dreading going back to school, and have to find some trousers yet. Might look at stretchy trousers once everything is confirmed at the 6week scan

OMG OMG OMG!!! *bounces*

I don't know why there's such a large discrepency bewteen the days left.. seems a bit odd, at least they both agree on something. I am officially 4weeks pregnant ;)

Shit - I worked it out! the first one tells when I'm due, the 2nd one tells when baby is fully grown!! (40weeks being when medicals say baby should come out & everything is fully developed, but obv it never works that way) :D

Ow

This is not quite what I expected :(

Day of transfer, felt fine. Day after transfer - my boobs are huge, and so, so, so sore! And nipples? Christ, I could poke someone's eye out with them! :O
That night I took a pessary and woke up this morning with no more sore boobs! Neither R nor I are sure whether that's a good sign or not, or even if it's a stupid sign!

But holy fuck, the pain - I feel like I have a bowling ball in my stomach - and I think it's gas. Laughing hurts - a lot. I can't touch my stomach cos of the pain, and I have been belching like you wouldn't believe. Excuse the crudeness, but it feels like if I could only 'fart' everything would just stop hurting. This is ridiculous. Hell, I'm so glad I'm not in work through this, I can't even walk properly.

I don't even know if this is a sign or anything :'( I hate feeling like this, I hurt spo much :'(

-The- day

So we went in and had our appointment, and were told that we had 4 fertilised embryos. At this stage the expected 4cells but ours were 2. There wasn't a lot of hope in her voice, but they were going to try with 2 anyway and see how it goes (2 is better than none, right/?!). So we were led to a bay, where I put on a theatre gown, and R put on scrubs (omg, wow, he looked gorgeous!).

anyway, after messing about and taking pictures and me calling R a pirate, we were led to the little theatre where the procedure was going to be carried out. As you can imagine, not much dignity from my side - had to put my bum right on the edge of the table and then my legs were put in stirrups - gotta be honest, having 4people staring straight up my lady bits was not what I'd bargained for!

They put jelly on my stomach so the nurse could use the ultrasound to see where the catheter was going and the Dr could place the embryos correctly.

They checked our names and details many times, and we saw our embryos on a screen, and then we were told that some of the embryos had actually split into the 4cell stage, which is what they wanted :D

 

So.. I am 3 days pregnant.. which is an odd odd feeling.

What's even odder is that there's no guarantee it'll stay - so it's all luck now, and we're terrified.

Part results

Out of however many follicles, we got 8 eggs
Out of those 8 eggs, 6 were suitable to fertilise
Out of those 6 they tried to fertilitse, 4 of those did fertilise

Tomorrow at 1pm we go in for transfer, and a discussion on the quality of the embryos. Looks unlikely we'll be able to freeze any, which is a shame. Next go after this will cost £4000, mainly because of the drugs. If we simply had only embryos to implant, it would only cost £900.

Feeling nauseous and sore and very out of it. Thid morning they got 8eggs, which is cool. Now just hoping to god they'll fertilitise. In an ideal world 8 would, but chance of that are rare. 2 to implant and at least 2 to freeze, would be a good thing. Any more is a bonus. Find out tomorrow hopefully before12pm.]

*crosses fingers*

Last night I took a shot of Pregnyl at 11pm, which pretty much 'ripens' the eggs up before collection. Bloody nerve-wracking! Don't shake, don't spill, don't fuck it up! Managed to inject everything OK, which was something! :)

Today I had a day off from the injections which was nice, especially as my injecting patch is very sore!

Tonight I take a tablet of Lorazepam, which is a sedative. Tomorrow morning nothing to eat or drink, and take the other tablet at 8am. Have to be in the unit for 1030am, and then egg collection after that. We should find out how many eggs we have whilst we're there. We wont find out if any of them have fertilised until the Thursday.

Went for an internal scan on Thursday. They can see 10 follicles, but not as developed as they should be.. she talked about calling off treatment and restarting me in a month or more, on a higher dose.

Find out Sunday at 9.30am, when i have my next scan.

IoN, I am in much pain, and am hugely bloated - I am the human version of a flump. It's not much fun :'(

c-c-c-changes

Ouch. Apart from the ever bloating me, I know the drugs are working because my right ovary hurts. Sharp stabby pain. I'm not about to go rushing in panicking, because I have a scan tomorrow. But in contrast it makes me feel like there's absolutely nothing on my right side. Which is weird and unsettling.

Went to the hospital at 10.45am. The weight I'm carrying is very noticeable - I'm now carrying a body that resembles silly putty - you can pull and push and everything is squishy. I find it quite revolting tbh, but cracked a joke or two with the nurse about it today. Hoping it'll go when the drugs stop, else I shall be very unhappy :/

Now on injections instead of nasal spray. I did my first tonight - fine, but itches now. Least I'm getting the drugs anyway :)

Hayfever

Really struggled this weekend with hayfever and taking nasal spray, hence haven't been out today. Spoke to the RMU about it and have to go in tomorrow mornings and start taking the nasal spray as an injection instead :/

So.. it's going.

I'm the mixer, DH's the stabber. I thought I'd be fine injecting myself, but it appears I'm not as fine as I thought I would be. The only time I've done it so far was yesterday, and it stung so badly - mixture of apprehension not wanting to ram it all in, and nerves making me ram it all in. So at 7.30 every morning, I take my nasal spray (getting much harder with my hayfever) and start mixing the drugs. Handling large needles when tired seems such a stupid idea, but we've done it so far :D Then DH injects me. He's really really good - think he missed a calling tbh. Besides, with him doing it at least I know it's done right, and it feels right as it's something we're doing together. I think he also prefers it this way.

Next appointment Thursday - to scan and see how much longer I need to take the drugs for, before egg retrieval.

Day 2: Inject (Day 1 of self-injecting)

So. The alarm went off at 7.30am, and I took nasal spray, then gathered all the paraphernalia on the bed:

• 2 needles
• 1 alcoholic wipe
• 1 plunger
• 2 powders
• 1 liquid ampule

So, first things first - snap the top off the liquid ampule - cue me getting glass into my fingers, which quickly mixed with blood and the half of liquid left. Typical.

We started again (DH did the ampule thing, and much better than me!). Mixed powders with liquid with large needle - gotta be said, straight needle and small bottle - HTF you're meant to get the angle, god only knows, but there you go. Everything mixed, mixing needle removed. Injecting needle attached, and rik tried it out. It didn't help we both collapsed into fits of giggles half way through - he was going that slow, I couldn't help making a joke about it. Laughing with a needle in your stomach is not a good idea!

Like last time it stung about 10seconds after injection was over, but the stinging disappeared really quickly this time. So I guess apart from the bad start, it went well. Why i thought for one second i could go back to sleep afterward, is anyones guess. started the mixing at 7.30am, gave injection at 7.56am. So pretty much 8am every morning. Bye bye lie-ins and weekends ;)

Update: Hosp appt

Went to Appointment in RMU at 12.30. Had internal scan: lining of the womb is thin, which is aweosme, because it was thick before the drugs. Still a little bit of fluid left, but that's coming out well anyway. Got stabbed.

'Stabbed' as in injection. Stung. a lot. Actual injection didn't hurt in the slightest. Tiny needle (though DH originally saw the 'mixing' needle and visibly blanched!). But fluid stung for about 15minutes. Feeling fine now though.

So I have to inject at the same time every day now. For 7 days. In 7 days I have to have a scan and they see how the ovaries are doing. Once they decide the ovaries are ready, I'll get another different injection, and 36hrs later they harvest my eggs.

I'm trying not to think of anything after that at the moment.

It's amazing just how little I want to talk about things these days. It's amazing just how few people I want to tell how I'm feeling. It's even surprised me.

So, treatment continues. I move from a nasal spray 3times a day, to a daily injection and twice daily nasal spray, tomorrow. DH has been lovely - very very soppy recently, well the last 24hrs. Weirdly so, but I'm not complaining, he's said some lovely stuff.

I don't know how i feel about this treatment anymore, and the most optimistic DH is, the less I am, to the extent I feel I'm tempting fate by even smiling about it. I can't smile about it, I'm too scared. I'm also aware people want to ask, and I don't want to volunteer the information. I don't want to have to think about it at all. I'm all too aware what the probable outcome is, and I don't feel like thinking about it just yet.

Aside from all that, this is not how I ever pictured my life - I guess no-one does really. It has brought to light just how unhappy I am about the fact that legally I will be classed as a single parent, and that I will be an unmarried mother, with either a different surname to my child, or the father of my child having a different surname to both me and our child.

I know it's fine for some. I know there's no stigma these day, but there is to me. It matters so much, to me. Is it so wrong to desperately want that 'family unit'? I'm not sure how to get over this, I'm scared I'll snap, blurt it all out, and ruin everything. This really isn't what I should be thinking, considering the situation.

Appointments

So we had the appointment

Generally
Weird. In general I was OK with things. Had things explained about embryo and sperm research and testing. Was unsure at first, wasn't sure what stage they were on about testing, and wasn't sure how that sat with me to be honest, but she explained that it was embryos we couldn't possibly use, that would be discarded anyway, and only at the cell stage, nothing further (which was my main concern).

The bit I hated, that I really hated and that made me feel dirty (not saying it should, but how it feels to me personally), was R having to sign a form to say that:
a) I could put his name on the birth certificate of our child
b) That he would agree to take legal responsibility for our child.

It just made me feel so seedy for want of a better way, and it really upset me. FFS it's a solid 7yr relationship where we've been trying for some time, have paid a lot of money to get where we are and are going through it together, so having to obtain his permission, it's just wrong and really annoys and upsets me. Especially because he didn't have to sign it. Obviously he was going to, but he didn't have to.

Drugs/ Treatment:Anyway, started nasal spray on Wednesday, for 3weeks, which will shut down my fertility, so they can decide when I'm ready (helps with op times etc and managing women). This helpfully might make me psychotic. Interesting.

Then I get daily injections for 14days - to soup everything up. Then when ready to collect eggs, one big injection the night before. Eggs collected, (via huge needle attached to an internal scan that goes up into my vagina, and through the womb walls to the ovaries, where it sucks everything out). 36hrs later (if eggs found and once fertilised), they're put back inside me, rather like a smear.

12days later there's a blood test.

This whole thing makes me incredibly nervous because I know the chances are so slim..

News

I'm impatient I know, but just as well - over the phone at 9am this morning, we found out we start IVF this month! So.. very very excited and nervous. Trying not to be too over-optimistic, because I know it can hurt.. but still.


Very excited and totally terrified!

Hospital appointment

So we went. Results are in and good.
We have 6.5 straws of stuff. It's 1 straw per batch. He was actually really enthusiastic (The Dr more so than DH) about it and so, so nice! Next we have to wait for our turn on the waiting list.

Wanna know what happens? Tough - it's here anyway - mainly so I can try and get my head around what we have waiting for us, whenever our turn comes.

1. 1st day of bleeding I start the drugs - daily injections and nasal spray.

2. Day 12 I get scanned and day 14, 16 etc, until they decide my eggs are good enough to be collected (from history and what I know, for me it should be approx day 14).

3. My eggs get harvested - cue sedating me, knocking me out, big needles, and egg collection.

4. Then they unfreeze a straw and impregnate the eggs they get from me. They will implant 2.  [In US and Italy they will implant up to 4, but because of the risks of IVF etc, if 4 take you have to make the decision to terminate 2. Luckily for me they only implant 2 in the UK, so I won't have to make that decision (because frankly I'm not sure I could)].

5. I then get a scan 4weeks later to see if it's taken. If it has then the embryos they've grown will be frozen. If it hasn't I have to have a few months off before trying another implantation (cue 4K). For my age there is a 30% chance of success, so could be looking at 3 tries, which (including the NHS try) is 8K.

If we want any more we're looking at repeating the process. Dr said we should hear where we are on the list within 2weeks. If we haven't heard within 2weeks we're to ring the RMU (Reproductive Medical Unit).

Side-effects. Ahhhh this was the last bit we're told. These injections? They have side-effects:

1. Weight-gain (not a shocker, I knew that anyway after to horrific mess HRT had on me, but hopefully it'll only pile on for 3weeks and then I come off them).

2. Skin will go to hell (yeah not overly looking forward to this, it's bad enough as it is sometimes!)

3. I'm liable to go postal. In fact, he said seeing as I'm a teacher, I should warn the school and make sure I have a support worker in with me for the duration and I'm 'likely to go AWOL'... (I am really really worried about this). Apparently I will be extremely volatile. :(

And then it hits.. I'm gearing up to be a mum...

News

Found out a friend starts IVF in a few weeks. So so happy for her, and excited, and nervous.

Made me think.. how long have we got to wait? because I have hand ops to work around too, and that might put it off even further? I'm scared and confused. If it's a choice, I'll go for IVF before the corrective surgery. The clock is ticking and I'm running out of time as it is.

Still more waiting :/

Results of MESA

Letter arrived today. Stuff has been found. Not much of it, and not sure how much '1 straw' is used for, but still - we have a shot. Fingers crossed! Now just to find the damn money!

DH's found a lump in his testes. It's not anywhere by where his op was, but he's not going to check again until the pain has gone. (Doesn't want anyone poking him there atm). It's obviously bothered him enough to mention it to me and have me look. That alone bothers me.


Please let it be gone when he recovers from his surgery. Please.

Hospital appointment

A virus - a very bad viral illness has affected our family. DH was very very ill for a few months a few yrs back - temp of 105, didn't recognise me. Well that has damaged him, or rather scarred/ blocked things, and it's not repairable. Our only option for children is IVF - every time. 


Not what either of us wanted obviously, and we have to wait now to see whether that was the only damage done. We're scared, relieved, desperately crossing our fingers.. and ultimately waiting. We've had pregnancies/ miscarriages before (prob down to my endometriosis), so this is something else to take in. Guess it's a plea to you guys out there - if you're ill, don't be pig-headed about it, get help, see the Dr, don't ignore it.