..and so it goes, and you're the only one who knows.
So today I had my first injection - Suprefact (or Buserilin as I know it by). It stung, and I had a disposable needle. Previously I'd had to inject twice a day, this time it's just once, but i think it's more stuff - probably why it stung, and nervousness and forgetting how it felt, meant maybe i wasn't prepared, or was more anxious about it this time.
I feel so alone - so terribly alone, I know I'm not, and I know R is beside me in this, but even he said it doesn't feel real, and he can't get his hopes up cos of last time. I get that - I really do, but I'm dreading the drugs changing the way I look. I could find this more manageable if it wasn't so visually obvious I guess. When your body changes drastically, you're more aware of what it is that you haven't achieved, or more to the point, what you have lost.
I know what will be will be, but I am scared and nervous I won't be good enough, that my body won't do well enough, that i will let not only us down, but the recipient too.
I don't want to talk, because talking hurts too much, and I'm scared of negativity coming out of my mouth and becoming true. I don't want people to ask how I'm doing, whether I'm pregnant, I don't want to jinx us.
To want something - so completely and utterly, so desperately - it tears the soul, makes you fiercely strong, and determined, and yet weakens you at your very core, making you so vulnerable and so defenseless...
I guess that's life though - nothing if there isn't anything to reach for - nothing if there isn't anything lose..
