Tonight I got asked what the hell I'd do on the internet once we have kids and are married. Thing is, I don't know, because I really can't see either happening. I know we got close this time (physically believe me, i fucking know - every second of the last few days, I know), I know that I really do, but I'm so scared of the future and so aware how easily you can lose something. I daren't even begin to hope that we'll actually see it through to the end and end up with what matters to us most, that seems too much to ask for.
As for getting married - well I know we are, but that also doesn't seem a reality either. Too many factors, too many different ideas, things that matter, things that don't, stress and politics. Already I know I'm due a metric shit-load of stress from my family and I've just zoned out. Already we're tailoring what we want, for other people. Do you think anyone actually does exactly what they want for their wedding? Or is that just for the obscenely rich?
Money is a huge factor. Me being me, I want both things. I want to do our next IVF, and I want to get married. I don't want to wait for both. Waiting and thinking and planning things leads me to getting incredibly stressed and agitated. Already I'm trying to find a way to get my engagement ring as cheaply as possible. I know it's real life, but it's not what - it's not what I expected I guess. If we weren't doing IVF, I would think 'ouch' but would still happily get it without blinking much of an eyelid, and help pay for it too (only fair), but I look at the price and think 'That could be going towards IVF' - which is how I think in terms of the wedding too. why spend stupid money on things we do for other people, that could go towards IVF.
So, when the question comes up about what would i do once we're married and (hopefully *crosses fingers*) no longer need IVF? I answer, 'stop. live. breathe...'.
