We lost both pregnancies. Again. Resulting in 2 ectopics.

I was rushed to Drs with serious infection and he said I was lucky I hadn't died. He told us in no uncertain terms that there should be no more IVF.

I'm lucky to have him, and to have stayed with the same Dr throughout. I would have kept going over and over and over, and it would have destroyed us both.

Accepting I'll never carry our children - I'm not sure I'll ever get over it, but it is what it is. Hopefully time will tell/ heal/ make it hurt less.

12 MC's is enough for anyone.

12 MC's is too much for anyone.

Day 37 (3)

Actually this should be down as Day 12 really, as I'm meant to be counting from EC, but oh well.

Last couple of days (Wednesday Thursday) were cramps and massive boobs. Then Friday DH said boobs looked smaller. I haven't had any cramps, I'm feeling normal. I am terrified. It seems pretty obvious from DH's reaction he doesn't think it's worked and I am absolutely gutted.

Also pessaries are lasting about 2-3hours. whereas before there was little to no excess, this time it's all out within a few hours. I don't know why either.

I could go for a blood test tomorrow but what's the point? Will wait for the inevitable urine test on Saturday/ Sunday.

Feel so miserable and numb

Day 29 - 32 (3)

I have been avoiding this place, I know I have.. anyway - a few days to go.

Day 29
We were rung at 10am and told that out of 12 eggs, only 9 were suitable (mature), and out of those 9 eggs, only 5 fertilised. All of them 4 cell but not of great quality apparently (huge difference from my text book perfect eggs of yesteryear). We wouldn't have any to freeze, due to quality, and the final eggs to be transfered would be decided when we got in for transfer at 2pm.

Got in slightly early (traffic panics me) and was busting for the loo. Anyone who tells you just to 'let a bit out' is having a laugh. Trust me. Anyway I just about managed it and continued to pace around the room like a mad person until they were ready.

Anyway, when we were shown up to the room we were told the best ones to put back in were a 5 and a 6 cells, respectively. They also gave us a picture of them. It's not great quality, but never mind.

I got changed into a dressing gown, and went in for transfer. Everything put in. Now to wait.

What I hadn't realised up until now, is that unlike there being a massive space the embryos float about in and hopefully latch onto, the womb is actually more like a jam sandwich, so everything is close together and quite sticky, but you still have to keep your fingers crossed.

Took my shot of Heparin at 6pm, it will be 7pm from now on. Also used a pessary at the clinic.

So, the drug routine will be:
10.00: Pre-natal vitamins, aspirin, calcichew
10.30: Utrogeston pessary
19.00: Heparin shot
22.30: Utrogeston pessary

On the way home we stopped at Meadowhall for distraction and got Rock Band (which I'd been thinking about quite obsessively). Got home, set it up - all is well, and we are rocking!


Day 30
Spent most of the day playing in a band I created on Rock Band. Laura came round about 3.30pm, which saw us then pull a 12hour stint on Rock Band, with an awful lot of giggling and messing about, and I cooked tea, in between, for us all :D


Day 31
Played Rock Band most of the morning til Laura had to go. Such a brilliant addictive game, and truly brilliant for making you laugh and keeping you occupied! Once Laura left, I carried on playing solo as DH was busy with his own things.


Day 32
Once again I whiled away the hours on Rock Band. The whole day has flown by and I'm sung and guitared mainly. I have finished a Solo Tour with guitar [easy] with Travis. I appear to have 2 guitarists, but hey, whatever distracts me!

Normally, on a 2week wait I am fretting about every single ache and pain and twinge and lack of symptoms. This time I am being truly distracted (and I only came on here cos I knew I had to update this).

However, I have been suffering major constipation, which is painful, and only masses of prune juice is helping - never quite suffered with it this much before :( Then again I've never eaten as many carbs - and normally my intake is minimal, but apparently they help with energy and everything else, so there you go.

I do have stomach cramps - but I'm trying not to think about them. Don't have symptoms - my 'fake boobs' symptom of previous pregnancies has not appeared this time. It makes me incredibly nervous and I'm trying not to worry or give it much thought.

Day 27 & 28 (3)

Day 27

Went to take my oramorph, only it had been handily thrown out. So worked myself up into a state of panic. Took a Diazepam/ Valium (5mg) at 0820. Left the house, got there at 0930 and waited around for someone to notice we were there. Got more and more anxious as I'd been told to take meds 1hr before egg collction. Got up to a room and went through paperwork at 0940 and got to take tabs etc at 0945-0950. Took Temazepam (30mg), Diazepam (5mg) and the Voltarol suppository (100mg). Waited around a bit more getting more and more nervous. Took another 5mg Diazepam 10mins before due to go in

Went in for egg collection. It hurt. A lot. However, not as much as last time and not that I remember too well (thanks to the Valium). Got 12 eggs. Got out of the collection and went back into my room where I lay down and then slept for an hour.

Went home (via Subway) and sat on the sofa. After a bit I felt a bit nauseous and lay down, and slept for a few hours, blissfully. Eventually got up and cooked tea and then watched TV of the sofa. Peeing has involved a lot of blood. They said I'd be spotting (this time is nothing compared to last time, basically a tiny bit on the panty liner provided - and that's geneally been in), but there has been a lot of blood in my urine (as a woman you know the difference between where the blood is coming from). I'm not in huge amounts of pain, just feeling slightly bloated and sore, and like I said, compared to everything last time, this is a breeze in comparison so I can deal with it.


Day 28

Phonecall at 10am. Out of 12 eggs, only 9 were suitable for fertilising. Out of those 9, only 5 took. Gutted, was hoping they'd all take tbh. Won't know til 10am tomorrow morning whether any of them are viable or what grade they are, and I have egg transfer at 2pm - so have to be there at 1.45pm with a full bladder (right now mine can't cope with being bigger than the size of a walnut).

I no longer have blood in my urine, though it's still sore to pee, almost like cystitis feeling. Managed to pass a 'solid' today - also a huge step from last time (where I couldn't go without utter agony for over a week). As of tomorrow I'm back to eating ice-cream every evening and hoping everything works out. Have to take my pessaries and injection in tomorrow for transfer and find out exactly what time I need to be injecting I guess. From then on it'll be every 24hrs.

Day 26 (3)

Phoned the clinic this morning and explained the injection. They said I hadn't needed to use both 'waters' (would have been helpful to have known beforehand, right?), but it wouldn't have hurt.

So, be in clinic at 0930 tomorrow for EC at 1030. Means leaving here at 0830. So very very nervous about the whole procedure. Can't remember when we find out about the rest - might be Thursday.

Have to take Temazepam (10mg) tonight before bed, and am also going to take Diazepam (5mg) too, in the hope I sleep, and will give me a rough idea on how suceptible I am to it.

Transfer should Friday.

Day 25

Just done my shot of Pregnyl. You think at some point it would have been handy to have been given some instructions on what the hell to do. I had 2 ampules of liquid, & 2 ampules of powder. Didn't know whether I was meant to put 2 powders in 1 liquid or what, so I mixed everything together. Really narked and fed up. It's a fairly major injection and I could have just fucked it right up. It bled a lot loads too.

Will have to ring clinic tomorrow and hope to fuck I haven't ballsed everything up. Pretty pissed off. Partly my fault for not having checked everything first, pretty sure it was a pre-mixed shot last time, so I really wasn't expecting to have to draw stuff up and mix it before injecting it. Didn't help that DH went to get needles and didn't know which ones - which wound me up immediately - only been doing this for what, 3 weeks?..

What worried me about the Pregnyl, was that I only just had enough space for all the liquid, so pretty sure now I didn't need all the liquid, but it's too late now. Just have to hope that using all the liquid hasn't completed fucked everything.

Day 25 (3)

Scan this morning. Nurses were totally lovely and we chatted throughout. I have 9 viable follicles atm, and more that are still too small (damn it!). Egg collection looking like Wednesday - have to ring this afternoon for blood results. One of my follicles is 29, and they only need to be 17, so apparently there's no way they'll leave me longer (just as well, as I have no drugs left).

Pic shows the difference between scan on day 20 and scan today (25). As you can see, 5 follicles vs 16 follicles. Just hope to god that those 10s etc grow to at least 17. *crosses fingers hopefully* The follicles on the left side are still on the top of my uterus, apparently it means they'll lave to press down on my stomach to get them and there's still no guarantee they will be able to get them *nervous*. The bottom numbers are the thickness of my endometrium. Mine is textbook still. Mine is always textbook. Just hoping everything stays this time.

Am very nervous about collection - no shock there. Waiting for 1.30pm now, to find out what time they need me in. when I ring they will no doubt give me the time to take Pregnyl etc and it'll be my last injection until they put them back in *more crossing of fingers*

Day 21 (3)

Have been craving bagels and cream cheese recently - hence my lunch. I probably shouldn't be eating it, I definitely won't be eating it next week, so, you know.. I'm also forcing water down too - even though I feel less thirsty than I ever have done before.

Definitely feeling bloated now, sharp stabby pains in the ovary when I push down (I know, I know, don't push down, right?).

Also I'm now having to drink prune juice - I don't know whether this is because of the drugs or the bagels. TMI I know, but for anyone who starts experiencing these problems, there's nothing worse at this stage than constipation (or after EC, where everything hurts after and for some time). And the paranoia of that after implantation, is well worth avoiding.

Apparently it's very common, as in every women worries she'll 'push' the embryos out - glad it's not just me. There's comfort in large scale stupidity.

Day 20 (3)

Results are in. Bloods are fine.

Stay on the same dose (225) but instead of turning up for bloods and scan on Friday, leave it til Monday 8am again.

If I need any more Menopur, they'll sort it out on Monday when I'm there. Apparently my endometrium is perfect - textbook yet again.

Day 20 (3)

So went and had bloods and scan. The scan hurt. Some nurses are very good and can get al the angles without you feeling like someone has rammed something hard up there. I felt like a cement mixer with some guy trying to get as much stuff out as possible with his shovel.

Results not looking good. took her while to find my left ovary. There a 12mm and a 10mm and I think3 very tiny ones she didn't measure. One of them is apparently on the top of my uterus and she's hoping it'll drop down. She couldn't find my right ovary for a good long whilse, and when she did she only saw one follicle. Damn I hurt a lot after it, I can tell you that much.

Ring this afternoon for results. We'll see whether I stay on the same dose, or whether they put me up again. Hopefully tx will continue.

Egg retrieval, she reckons will be Tuesday.

Spoke to DH about it and he's told me not to worry (he always tells me that). He pointed out that at this stage of IVF1 they were considering calling of tx, and a few days later there were eggs everywhere. He's every hopeful - it's another reason why I love him.

Day 19 (3)

Nose is running, constantly sneezing, feeling shit. Incredibly wound up - I should go to bed soon, what with tomorrow morning, but am too wound up to sleep :(

It doesn't bode well when you're listening to 'Space Oddity' and crying on the sofa. Like my nose needs any help right now.

Last night I cried myself to slep and couldn't tell DH. So many fear and nightmares running through my head. Woke up feeling like I'd been in a fight, and cried again. I miss feeling normal. I wish I could positivly say this is all worth it, but there's no guarantee. If this works and I'm a mum in 9months, then yes, every single second, every single needle, blood spot, cramp, pain, tear, scream and giggle will be worth it - a million times over. The terror is there's no guarantee.

I at least have heparin this time and aspirin. What else can I do but pray and hope? Not bad for someone who doesn't believe in god...

Shit - this is just day before scan and bloods, what the hell am I going to be like the night before egg collection? :(

Day 19 (3)

Last night I did the standard injections again and it really hurt. Really hurt. Whether it's my skin getting more and more sensitive to needles, or whether I've woken up and forgotten how to inject myself, I'm not entirely sure, but it's bleeding every time now, and my stomach is so incredibly sore.

If it is a reaction and hypersensitivity to needles, then it's not boding well for egg collection - that's one hell of a needle, exactly where you never want a needle to go. My skin has also gone to hell too, it's sore and red and just painful, doesn't help with the self-confidence either. Skin stuff doesn't seem to be helping either.

Had a bizarre form of what I can only describe as 'lock jaw' last night, just on the right side. It came on in a few hours and was really painful by the time I went to bed. No idea what brought it on, but it was gone by this morning when I woke up, thankfully. I don't know whether I was grinding my teeth last night or something without realising.

Tomorrow morning is a very early wake up call, with me having to be at the clinic at 8am, take a ticket and wait in line. Then again most people are desperate to get back to work, and I'm sure I've turned up late before without a queue. I can't even remember what the motorway traffic is like either.

Aiming to get up at 7am and leave the house by 7.30am.

Weird - post is saying this way written at 10.26am. It was actually 7pm.

Day 17 (3)

Just did shots again (Menopur = left. Suprefact = right). It hurts. It's hurting more and more at the moment and I've no iea why. I thoughtlast time I'd 'felt' more of a change at this point- don't remember, but there you go.

Cracking headache yesterday cos I'm not drinking enough. Normally I drink loads but am struggling to drink at the moment and it's the one time I should be drinking more than ever. Eurgh.

Nervous about how my body is reacting. I don't seem to have changed much on the outside (or rather when clothed), but my body once again resembles silly putty. Bizarrely enough even though I've not wanted sex at all since this tx has started, I really really did tonight, but events conspired against us Typical!)

Day 15 (3)

I keep forgetting which side I've been doing which, and stupidly didn't think to write it down on Wednesday.

Tonight:
Menopur = Left. Suprefact = Right.

Mood swings are definitely affected, but not feeling much bloating atm - I'm sure I was feeling more effects at this stage last time. Feeling worried that I'm not reacting as well as I should do. I don't know why, just a bad gut feeling. Hoping I'll be proved wrong.

Day 12 (3)

Phoned results line today. Everything's fine, so I need to start taking my Menopur tonight (225 = 3powders to one 'water') and Suprefact alongside it.

Turn up at 8am next Wednesday for bloods and scan. Basically turn up and take a number like everyone else there, and wait your turn. It's a bit like the meat counter at ASDA.

One thing I have noticed (but can't remember if I've mentioned), I'm bruising with every injection, which is odd, but then this whole try has been odd for me, and different to the 1st and 2nd attempts. (From the abdominal pain and mood swings with Suprefact, to the bruising with injections)

Day 10 (3)

So, back to the clinic today. I had a hormone blood test and DH had an AIDs test. Everyone gasps when you mention that bit, but care of child means that the clinic have to make sure we're both completely fit and healthy before they go ahead with tx. (I had an AIDs test a few month ago anyway, due to me being on the egg donor register). It's insulting really - especially cos people who are investing time, heart and soul in IVF are not going to risk pissing that up the wall at all, but there you go. It's done now.

I have to ring Wednesday afternoon for my results, to make sure I can start my Menopur on Wednesday evening. [DH gets his results at the same time, but obviously we're not worried about that in the slightest.]

I had my bleed on Day 7, but forgot to write it here.

Day 4 (3)

Yes. I totally feel like I'm doing this on my own. Much like I did last time. I appreciate it's just an injection, but it's not just my responsibility to remember when I need to take it. Doing it together, means just that. It means attending appointments together, no matter how trivial you might think it is, it means going through the drugs together, and remembering injection times.

Once again I feel totally alone again. I'm the one who went and chased up prices, plotted periods, found out about waiting lists and when we could go. Found out the info and booked in for an appointment, got onto the waiting list, am chasing clinics for drugs, remembering to inject, dealing with pain-relief, you know actually getting involved.

So yes, I am fucked off and fed up and feeling like frankly I am fucking invisible.

Then again, in a natural conception the bloke doesn't really get involved anyway. Maybe he's just following the stereotype?

Day 2 (3)

I've just realised that I hadn't actually explained giving Suprefact anywhere (hence my small panic just now, when trying to remember how to give it subcutaneously in my stomach). It's very easy actually.

Equipment needed:

• Rubber bunged bottle of Suprefact.
• 0.5ml needle (needle is very small, like a diabetic needle).
• Cotton wool swab (if needed).
• Sharps bin.

Draw 0.5ml of Suprefact into the syringe. Pinch a few cms of skin (anywhere horizontally below your navel), in between you forefinger and thumb and insert the needle horizontally (90 degrees). Depress plunger. Let go of skin once it's all in. Withdraw needle. Cap and dispose in the sharps bin. Not a problem. If it bleeds - wipe with cotton wool swab.

Smile and tell your husband it doesn't sting or itch like last time. Grin like a maniac for about 10 seconds, start to realise it does in fact itch like a b*stard, and have all the memories flood back. Remember this is normal.

I don't mind the itching. It's irritating but fine. Least it's not stinging this time.

Day 1 (3)

And so it begins. IVF for the 3rd and final time.

I gave myself my first Surprefact injection today (0.5ml). I have always given it in the stomach before but the nurse at our last appointment was insistent that I gave it in the thigh. So I did. I won't be doing that again. It really hurt! It also bled an awful lot.

Frankly, last time I did everything in my stomach, and ended up with 18 follicles, 15 of which contained eggs. It's a winning formula I'm not going to mess with. From tomorrow (and for the rest of the treatment, I am injecting in my stomach and the clinic can go jump.

Ow my thigh :(

Also, have decided to stay in Sheffield. Am very nervous about egg retrieval though - need to ring them up tomorrow and enquire about valium and morphine, which is apparently what they use in Cardiff. *crosses fingers anxiously*

Last train to transcentral

So, this really is it. Back to IVF for the last time.

Our appointment yesterday lasted far too long for anyone. nearly 2.5hrs. Trying to go into it with a positive viewpoint but it's very hard. I cried a lot, and felt so totally full of despair.

We basically have 2 options ahead of us.
Either:

• Go to Manchester and be knocked out, in which case everything stays at Manchester, or
  
• Stay at Sheffield, and risk feeling everything again.

We haven't decided what to do yet, but it's either #3,900, or 4,400. Which let's be honest, isn't cheap.

It's a mixture of emotions - half of you thinks it's worth every penny, the other half wonders why we're paying nearly 5K to have our hearts ripped out again. I can't not try though -
I have to know we've done everything we could, but this really is it for both of us.

We're not getting any younger, and if this doesn't work, we're going for adoption. I think I'd rather spend any future money on giving a child a home, rather than trying to fulfill my own biological clock. We so desperately want to be parents, and whereas adoption is an unknown minefield, and you hear bad things about it, there's no guarantee those bad stories wouldn't rear their head with a biological child anyway.

I need to check and see if I have any drugs left over from last time (Don't think I do unfortunately). Ring up Monday and pay the #649 for the drugs. Start down regging on the 6th September.. and we start it all again.

I'm trying to gain some positivity, but at the same time I'm not sure my head will let my heart get attached this time. Self-preservation and all that.

step by step

Went back again today for scan on day 12.

In order for eggs to be retrieved and treatment to move on a stage, the follicles have to be above 16.

As you can see, right ovary there are 2 follicles over 16, and 2 that are very close to being usable. On the left side, there are 2 usable ones. So treatment commences! (btw, one of the follicles isn't really 108, that's a typo on the nurses part, think it was 10!)

Only downside is that left ovary retrieval very much depends on placement of ovaries at the time of retrieval. My left ovary can sometimes be wedged behind part pf the bowel. if this happens on the day they will be unable to retrieve these eggs. Not every follicle holds an egg. This science is based so heavily in luck..

Good news is we move on a stage, and egg retrieval is on Wednesday. Now it's all down to luck/fate.

• Hope we get enough usable ones
• Hope they fertilise
• Hope to god they stay

Must admit I was so pleased we actually made it to this stage I danced and squealed outside the unit. Not noticing someone walking down the corridor who asked if it was good news. I beamed and said 'yes'. I realised later he must've assumed pregnancy, so I hope I haven't jinxed myself now :/