Drugs

When I phoned up for my results, which were OK (that's all the woman would say 'OK' not actually what the specific number was) I was told that The Dr wants to speak to me about Clexane. If they're about to now refuse me the drugs, I might be about to totally kick off.

R's telling me to stay calm, and I was calm, until I was told to see the Dr for a discussion on Wednesday. Feeling nervous.

Hormones

I might be a little tetchy - this could be due to the hormones, lack of sleep, being a human pin cushion, or all of the previous points.

I haven't bloated as much as last time apparently - but last time I was eating ice-cream every evening for 2 weeks until I got pregnant (a study had just come out saying it increased chances of pregnancy). This time I'm not allowed dairy due to the Endo, so.. it's helping my waistline at least.

Literally walked into the clinic today for a blood-test, everyone else much have been there really early, I felt I left early enough as it was (and that's with my journey that took well over an hour), you gotta love rush hour and motorways. Blood test really hurt. Now I know they say 'you'll feel a sharp scratch' and normally that's all it is, just discomfort, but Holy Hell! Today damn well hurt - like a blinding sharp pain that carried on after the needle was well and truly out :(

I should've prepared myself for acupuncture based on that, but I didn't - and every bloody one shocked and hurt. Wasn't much fun. 3/4 of the way through she took them out and I had some in my back. Doesn't hurt as much as the front apparently. Haha - yeah right! I was shocked, quite physically, at how much they hurt too - even the Dr was jumping away from me! I hope I didn't make any patients outside nervous with my howls! :/

So - now I'm just waiting for 1.30pm when I have to ring the results line and hope my hormones are where they should be - and then back to clinic on Wednesday for another blood test (my poor frikkin' veins!), a scan (oh joy) and more acupuncture. the same is due Friday too. Work won't be happy.

Saturdays child works hard for a living

Thursday's child doesn't sleep too well on a Saturday it seems.

So I've taken 3 Menopur shots so far, and I have to alternate sides every day;

Wednesday - LEFT Menopur RIGHT Suprefact
Thursday - LEFT Suprefact RIGHT Menopur
Friday - LEFT Menopur RIGHT Suprefact

Last night I got really frustrated - managed to do the Menopur shot perfectly (for once), but the Suprefact messed up as I kept getting a vacuum which was cocking up how much was in the vial and every time I drew enough up, it continued to leak out once I released the plunger. I threw the needle out and started again afresh with no probs. I'm now down to the very last shot in the 1st bottle, it's always this one I hate the most! ;)

So, unable to sleep I am watching Fearless (Jet Li) on the sofa. I had forgotten how much I love this film.

It feels weird this timem not sharing tx with others. I've always relied on friends to get me through these things, but with everything that happened last time, friends just became a reminder, and I guess I don't want to curse us with too many people knowing - that becomes too many people who will ask questions you never want to hear, so it seems safer not to give them opportunity.

It seems next week will be a hectic one for me: Blood test on Monday. Blood tests and scans on Wednesday and Friday. Some time in between that, I'm hoping to be called for interview for a job I would really love, but I know you can't have it all, so I'm not expecting anything. It does seem typical that everything seems to be happening in the next few weeks

1st day of Menopur

The last few days have been - upsetting to say the least. After talking to other people about MC's and totally panicking that I wasn't doing enough to prevent it, I found a lot of women with endometriosis had been prescribed Clexane, and that it made a difference. I got really angry I hadn't even heard of it, and spoke to my clinic when I went in for my blood test. I also read about GNrH which increases chances of pregnancy in women with endo by 4fold. The clinic didn't seem too bothered by my questions (or with providing answers) but I wanted to know why I wasn't on it. I was told the Dr wasn't in but that a note would be left, and when I phoned up for my blood test results they'd let me know whether I could have it.

I came home and cried. R came home and I cried again. I felt so helpless, and started talking about what was the point in trying again if they're not going to try anything to help me. So terrified of another MC.

Today I rung for my blood results and told to take Menopur tonight. I was also told that a msg had been left for the Dr re: Clexane, but he hadn't see it yet as someone had put a piece of paper over the note left in my file. I was told I'd be rung back. So I waited. When I got the call I was told that the Dr said it would be OK for me to have it, didn't see the point as it didn't make a difference, but on the other hand it wasn't contraindicated either.

So I'm allowed it. This was from a Locum Dr, I was told the regular Dr would be told tomorrow. Now I assume having been told I can have it from one, means the other should agree, as having just got an OK for this, for the other Dr to turn around and say no.. well, it shouldn't happen, right?

Today I started my Menopur. 3 powders to 1 vial. As I'm injecting Suprefact at the same time, I injected Suprefact into the right side of my stomach and Menopur into my left. I have to alternate every day. I'd forgotten again how much it stung, and I'm not used to injecting twice into my stomach, so now I inject on either side, which is weird for me, but you do what you gotta do right? The Clexane will also be a daily injection, but frankly it'll be worth it. At least I know I'm going into it this time doing everything I possibly can. Whatever happens now is out of my hands. I hope so much, that I get through every stage..

I'm sick of banging me head against a brick wall and having to fight for stuff that should be common bloody sense. I am so glad it's half-term this week, I'm not sure I'd have got through school otherwise.

The TV is telling me that the last time a woman can have an abortion is at 24weeks - that's 6months. 6 months. I feel sick. I feel unbelievably sick.

Suprefact and the waist that knows no bounds

So far I have had 5 Suprefact injections of 0.5ml a night. Now I appreciate 0.5ml doesn't look a lot, but the disposable needles I've got make it look an obscene amount. It's really quite scary, and whilst only a little needle, still painful. It lso makes my legs itch a lot and stings.

My body shape has changed. Hugely (and yes, unfortunately that is the most appropriate word). I've never been 'super-skinny', but I had a cracking figure a week ago, and apparently was 'hot' (as described by a colleague when telling me I'd risen up the 'fit list' in school, which was flattering). 5 days later? Not so much, no. I am now a human made out of silly putty - the human equivalent of a waterbed. My skins moves where it shouldn't and I wobble - which is utterly depressing and very upsetting when you consider I am not eating any junk food at all, and eat very healthily. This is just the way I am with hormones, and it sucks.

I thought I was prepared, with this being our 2nd IVF cycle, but it appears not. I'm actually finding this change harder to deal with this time - maybe it reminds me of last time, who knows. I know I am not enjoying it, and the closer the date approaches, the more nervous I get. Part of me wants to run screaming, because isn't it easier not to try than not achieve - after all, if you don't try, you can't lose right? I know it's a stupid thought process, more than anything, but sometimes it feels the right one. I'm glad I'm egg-sharing, it's keeping me going, knowing there is someone out there relying on me. Someone I can't possibly let down.

So my period is expected this weekend - oh joyous day that will be! ;) I will however be able to see whether the acupuncture has made any difference so far. So nervous about that too.

The other irritating thing at the moment is the list of food stuff I am not allowed to eat, and that's before we even consider the possibility of me getting pregnant. No dairy, no meat, no wheat. Yup, I know, it's not leaving an awful lot. I've even had to give up my mini-cheddars, which got me through school.

I am cooking more, but not managed 'no meat' yet. with everything else on top it's very difficult. It will all be worth it if it all works, guess it's the waiting that's the hardest.

Not happy

Today I had to write an e-mail to my HoD and Headteacher explaining the next 4+week. I hated every second of it, and resent having to constantly explain myself.

And so it goes..

..and so it goes, and you're the only one who knows.

So today I had my first injection - Suprefact (or Buserilin as I know it by). It stung, and I had a disposable needle. Previously I'd had to inject twice a day, this time it's just once, but i think it's more stuff - probably why it stung, and nervousness and forgetting how it felt, meant maybe i wasn't prepared, or was more anxious about it this time.

I feel so alone - so terribly alone, I know I'm not, and I know R is beside me in this, but even he said it doesn't feel real, and he can't get his hopes up cos of last time. I get that - I really do, but I'm dreading the drugs changing the way I look. I could find this more manageable if it wasn't so visually obvious I guess. When your body changes drastically, you're more aware of what it is that you haven't achieved, or more to the point, what you have lost.

I know what will be will be, but I am scared and nervous I won't be good enough, that my body won't do well enough, that i will let not only us down, but the recipient too.

I don't want to talk, because talking hurts too much, and I'm scared of negativity coming out of my mouth and becoming true. I don't want people to ask how I'm doing, whether I'm pregnant, I don't want to jinx us.

To want something - so completely and utterly, so desperately - it tears the soul, makes you fiercely strong, and determined, and yet weakens you at your very core, making you so vulnerable and so defenseless...

I guess that's life though - nothing if there isn't anything to reach for - nothing if there isn't anything lose..