Weddings: What the FUCK?!

I can happily say I hate weddings. Truly.

I thought weddings meant to mean excitement and doing things together for a celebration day. Yeah.. not so much. Since we've got engaged we've argued, snapped at each other and probably disliked each other more than we ever have before. There are times where he pisses me off, and I can guarantee I'm also pissing him off.

So far weddings, to me, appear to be a faff and a nuisance and I no longer like them. If we could get married without the wedding - we would (well actually, I guess I can't speak for him, but I sure as shit would).

Giving notice

We went to give notice today - only we have to make an appointment to give notice to marry - bit of faff but doable, right? Only we can't give notice on the weekend - no, it has to be between 9am and 4.30pm, Monday to Friday. Helpful. Really helpful, so before we even get the any organisation I have to get time off work to register our intent to marry? This is taking the piss, and I can tell you now, school won't be happy. I work away from where I live, so trying to get the authorisation to leave early, to get to the train station to catch a train in, to get to the registry office, to give the notice and go through the paperwork.. yeah they're not going to like it at all - especially because this means then that they'll have to have someone to cover my lessons, which makes me either unpopular with the finance manager (who spends the money on a supply), or another member of staff, who will be expected to cover my class.

Wedding Lists

We thought we'd be clever, register and zap things and it'd be one less thing to worry/ stress about, right? Wrong - you have to know when you're getting married - and at the same time, give 4months notice - I mean seriously, you're kidding, right? Plus the raddled old harridan that spoke to us was rude and ignorant and pissed us both off. Frankly it's put my off guests lists and any semblance of a big wedding even moreso than I was previously. I don't care whether anyone wears flowers, or whether my eyes accentuate the season/ surrounding/ political viewpoint at present. I have no time or interest in any of these 'details' (a.k.a. 'pointless shit'). I get it's important for some, I really do, but seriously, I have better things to do, like building an ecologically friendly miniaturised version of the Taj Mahal out of toilet roll and honey.


So, you can see from my clearly calm and patient manner - I am not a wedding convert. We keep saying the fun bit will kick in soon, but I'm not holding my breath, blue is not my colour..

Weddings

So, still no clue to what kind of wedding we're going for. bizarrely enough my dress has been found and bought (2nd hand, so a quarter of the price!). Sample wedding rings have just been ordered. We still have no clue what we do want but we're getting a very clear idea of what we don't want.

Money is an issue - isn't it always? But I'm totally skint so the credit card is coming out, which I really didn't want to do, but never mind. At least we're moving forward, and giving notice on the weekend :)

Weddings, money and timing

When it comes down to it - when it really comes down to it, what's important to me? Who do I need there? Simple, him and his immediate family. I could happily invite friends and other people, but the people I love, love me enough to know what's more important is that there isn't anyone there that could ruin it all.

I've planned quite a big day today - sorted out a wedding and a reception in a beautiful place. sorted the dress, the flowers, and the list. So we talked about it, and as things got agreed or disagreed, I realised that none of it was as important as the time. That I wasn't prepared to sacrifice IVF for a wedding day. That the bigger this thing got, the more complicated and the less comfortable I was with it all. I know my friends will be upset not to be there, but I'm hoping they'll understand it's not because I don't want them there that we're considering something that pretty much no-one will be at.

So what's more important, to do everything politically correct, or to have a day we'll never regret? For me, the choice is clear. Just not sure we're going to be able to do it the way we want.

What would I do?

Tonight I got asked what the hell I'd do on the internet once we have kids and are married. Thing is, I don't know, because I really can't see either happening. I know we got close this time (physically believe me, i fucking know - every second of the last few days, I know), I know that I really do, but I'm so scared of the future and so aware how easily you can lose something. I daren't even begin to hope that we'll actually see it through to the end and end up with what matters to us most, that seems too much to ask for.

As for getting married - well I know we are, but that also doesn't seem a reality either. Too many factors, too many different ideas, things that matter, things that don't, stress and politics. Already I know I'm due a metric shit-load of stress from my family and I've just zoned out. Already we're tailoring what we want, for other people. Do you think anyone actually does exactly what they want for their wedding? Or is that just for the obscenely rich?

Money is a huge factor. Me being me, I want both things. I want to do our next IVF, and I want to get married. I don't want to wait for both. Waiting and thinking and planning things leads me to getting incredibly stressed and agitated. Already I'm trying to find a way to get my engagement ring as cheaply as possible. I know it's real life, but it's not what - it's not what I expected I guess. If we weren't doing IVF, I would think 'ouch' but would still happily get it without blinking much of an eyelid, and help pay for it too (only fair), but I look at the price and think 'That could be going towards IVF' - which is how I think in terms of the wedding too. why spend stupid money on things we do for other people, that could go towards IVF.

So, when the question comes up about what would i do once we're married and (hopefully *crosses fingers*) no longer need IVF? I answer, 'stop. live. breathe...'.

Blood Test results

Blood test shows my levels are dropping. The Dr was so nice, kept saying how sorry he was. We're due to go back next Thursday for another scan and blood test. I'm going to ask how long we have to wait until we can try again.

There are so many options now:

• Which IVF unit?
• Can we buy drugs ourself?
• Which units will let you provide your own drugs?
• Which units do Egg-sharing (for me as donor)

Are we better off staying where we are? After all our unit was our local one, and handier for if things go wrong (as we've just found out). Any other unit is at least an hour away.

I'm a mixture of emotions: Anger, frustration, upset, crushed. Part of me wants to cry constantly, part of me wants to smash everything up.

Large part of me wants to go and spend a lot of money, but I don't have it to spend! Dreading going back to work, really dreading it. Right now curling up, closing my eyes, and never waking up again, really appeals.

Only thing keeping me going is DH. I'm worried about him - he doesn't do emotions, and sometimes they catch up with him. He's being strong and positive, and I wonder whether he's doing it for me or him. I wonder if it's sunk in yet, I wonder if he really knows what we've just lost.. I hope he's OK. I know he won't talk, and we both said last night, 'what is there to say?', it's done. But I worry because I love him. As long as we have each other, we can get through anything.

Miscarriage and Hospitals

So, yesterday we miscarried. It was quite spectacular really - still is. 5weeks and 1day. Probably doesn't mean a lot to some, but it did to us, very much so. Started bleeding, which increased, as did the pain, until DH came home early from work after I told him suspected miscarriage and a change to our scan. By the time he was home I could barely function from the pain, and the bleeding had increased somewhat. I took paracetamol and a hot water bottle and it continued in this vein for another 6hrs. I still have pain/ cramping.

Scan today did nothing but confuse us. The womb lining is still thick and intact so I have NO idea where the blood is coming from, and because it's quite early at 5weeks there was nothing else to see on the Ultrasound.

Even though my breasts have shrunk there's still a part of me desperately clinging to the hope that 1 embryo might make it (IVF implants 2). It can happen, but that's usually when it's not accompanied by bright red blood and intense horrific cramping. DH has accepted it's over.. I think I have, but am forever clinging to hope :/

I get the results of my blood test this afternoon. The cramps are still present, so it's not exactly going to be a shock.. :(

I need to know where we go from here, when we can start the cycle again - I need to have something to aim for, else I can see a sink hole somewhere.