Results

So it came and went. I was at least pregnant for a bit, this i know. I know R is convincing himself it didn't happen - probably a protection thing - it's not so easy to protect yourself though when you can feel every drop every twinge, feel everything puring out of you.

So it's back to waiting, to queuing to desperately trying to find the money for another go. To wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, wondering how many times we'll put ourselves through this. All I can think of, is that we can't afford to stay in our house, pay the mortgage, and bills and do IVF or raise a family.

All I can think of is the pain of egg collection, of feeling every movement of the needle, of crying constantly and desperately wishing it would end. Of the waiting - talking to yourself like a twat, with your hand protectively on your stomach, constantly. Of your heart in your mouth when the blood starts - of the tears, the inability to breathe, of the wish to go to sleep and never wake up.

So it all becomes cold and clinical and financial and soul-destroying, all over again...

Results

So this morning I got the call. Out of our 7 eggs, 7 were mature - which shows good quality. However, out of those 7 eggs, only 4 have fertilised, and we still don't know whether they will continue to divide yet until tomorrow morning.

Thing is, they said they'll ring us at 10am to let us know if/ how they've developed, but we'll already be on our way down anyway, because of motorways and traffic.

DH is positive and hopeful - I'm really not. I can't remember how I felt at this point last time, maybe it's the fact I'm still in pain after yesterday, but I feel negative and disheartened and just want to cry all the time. After everything that happened yesterday, I'm not sure I can do egg collection again. Definitely not awake anyway, and I don't think my clinic will even consider knocking me out.

I'm so scared, and terrified, and wish I wasn't so negative :'(

Egg Collection

I took my HcG shot at 2230 Saturday 3rd November. I was booked in for egg collection at 1030 Monday 5th November. I took 10mg temazepam the night before (as directed). We arrived at the clinic, waited around a bit, and went back through the paperwork again.

You know, I knew it was going to be painful, but that was ridiculous. Not something I was expecting at all.

I got changed, took my 2 remaining temazepam and took 2 paracetamol suppositories (believe me, when you're struggling to go to the loo anyway, nothing is more likely to make you want to go to the loo than shoving something up there).

So I went into the room, and luckily DH was allowed to come with me. I was told some people feel nothing. I wish that had been the case with me :(

First of all the game me some antibiotics, but couldn't find a vein that'd take it - yes I do appear to be a human pincushion. Eventually they administered them, my feet went into stirrups and the Dr gave me a local anaesthetic vaginally. Oh my god the pain was immense - luckily I was already on Entinox, but it didn't stop me crying throughout the whole procedure and feeling every movement of the needle, and I drained more than a cylinder of the gas too. I also really hurt DH's hand, that I held throughout the whole thing.

Out of 18 follicles (I had really hoped a few more would've grown over the weekend), they retrieved 15eggs. The recipient got the extra egg, which for some reason really pissed me off. I know I'm happy donating, but frankly after I went through the drugs and horrific egg collection I felt I'd earnt the extra. The nurses said the extra always goes to the recipient but not one managed to give me a good enough reason as to why, and I had never been told this during appointments. (You know, it comes to something when the pain and trauma you go through means you're not even entitled to keep your own egg.. Anyway, that's by the by, I will always feel pissy about that I guess).

Having harvested 15eggs I can see why some women are so so tempted to want to keep the lot - I thought of the needles I wouldn't have to go through, or the egg collection I wouldn't have to have, and I must admit, I was tempted. Who wouldn't be? I am, after all, only human. However I made a promise, and I don't break them. Hopefully those 8 eggs will help another couple have a child.

Now I had no problem with egg collection - I know what they do, I know it hurts a LOT after, I know the risks - however, for me, being awake throughout the whole thing was incredibly traumatic, and I felt made the whole IVF procedure a lot worse than it needed to be. I know there are anaesthetic risks, but frankly the risk of me moving during draining was far higher and ran a far higher risk of internal damage. If we have to do this again I really don't know what I'm going to do. The thought of going through this process again - awake, is already terrifying me.

Drugs

When I phoned up for my results, which were OK (that's all the woman would say 'OK' not actually what the specific number was) I was told that The Dr wants to speak to me about Clexane. If they're about to now refuse me the drugs, I might be about to totally kick off.

R's telling me to stay calm, and I was calm, until I was told to see the Dr for a discussion on Wednesday. Feeling nervous.

Hormones

I might be a little tetchy - this could be due to the hormones, lack of sleep, being a human pin cushion, or all of the previous points.

I haven't bloated as much as last time apparently - but last time I was eating ice-cream every evening for 2 weeks until I got pregnant (a study had just come out saying it increased chances of pregnancy). This time I'm not allowed dairy due to the Endo, so.. it's helping my waistline at least.

Literally walked into the clinic today for a blood-test, everyone else much have been there really early, I felt I left early enough as it was (and that's with my journey that took well over an hour), you gotta love rush hour and motorways. Blood test really hurt. Now I know they say 'you'll feel a sharp scratch' and normally that's all it is, just discomfort, but Holy Hell! Today damn well hurt - like a blinding sharp pain that carried on after the needle was well and truly out :(

I should've prepared myself for acupuncture based on that, but I didn't - and every bloody one shocked and hurt. Wasn't much fun. 3/4 of the way through she took them out and I had some in my back. Doesn't hurt as much as the front apparently. Haha - yeah right! I was shocked, quite physically, at how much they hurt too - even the Dr was jumping away from me! I hope I didn't make any patients outside nervous with my howls! :/

So - now I'm just waiting for 1.30pm when I have to ring the results line and hope my hormones are where they should be - and then back to clinic on Wednesday for another blood test (my poor frikkin' veins!), a scan (oh joy) and more acupuncture. the same is due Friday too. Work won't be happy.

Saturdays child works hard for a living

Thursday's child doesn't sleep too well on a Saturday it seems.

So I've taken 3 Menopur shots so far, and I have to alternate sides every day;

Wednesday - LEFT Menopur RIGHT Suprefact
Thursday - LEFT Suprefact RIGHT Menopur
Friday - LEFT Menopur RIGHT Suprefact

Last night I got really frustrated - managed to do the Menopur shot perfectly (for once), but the Suprefact messed up as I kept getting a vacuum which was cocking up how much was in the vial and every time I drew enough up, it continued to leak out once I released the plunger. I threw the needle out and started again afresh with no probs. I'm now down to the very last shot in the 1st bottle, it's always this one I hate the most! ;)

So, unable to sleep I am watching Fearless (Jet Li) on the sofa. I had forgotten how much I love this film.

It feels weird this timem not sharing tx with others. I've always relied on friends to get me through these things, but with everything that happened last time, friends just became a reminder, and I guess I don't want to curse us with too many people knowing - that becomes too many people who will ask questions you never want to hear, so it seems safer not to give them opportunity.

It seems next week will be a hectic one for me: Blood test on Monday. Blood tests and scans on Wednesday and Friday. Some time in between that, I'm hoping to be called for interview for a job I would really love, but I know you can't have it all, so I'm not expecting anything. It does seem typical that everything seems to be happening in the next few weeks

1st day of Menopur

The last few days have been - upsetting to say the least. After talking to other people about MC's and totally panicking that I wasn't doing enough to prevent it, I found a lot of women with endometriosis had been prescribed Clexane, and that it made a difference. I got really angry I hadn't even heard of it, and spoke to my clinic when I went in for my blood test. I also read about GNrH which increases chances of pregnancy in women with endo by 4fold. The clinic didn't seem too bothered by my questions (or with providing answers) but I wanted to know why I wasn't on it. I was told the Dr wasn't in but that a note would be left, and when I phoned up for my blood test results they'd let me know whether I could have it.

I came home and cried. R came home and I cried again. I felt so helpless, and started talking about what was the point in trying again if they're not going to try anything to help me. So terrified of another MC.

Today I rung for my blood results and told to take Menopur tonight. I was also told that a msg had been left for the Dr re: Clexane, but he hadn't see it yet as someone had put a piece of paper over the note left in my file. I was told I'd be rung back. So I waited. When I got the call I was told that the Dr said it would be OK for me to have it, didn't see the point as it didn't make a difference, but on the other hand it wasn't contraindicated either.

So I'm allowed it. This was from a Locum Dr, I was told the regular Dr would be told tomorrow. Now I assume having been told I can have it from one, means the other should agree, as having just got an OK for this, for the other Dr to turn around and say no.. well, it shouldn't happen, right?

Today I started my Menopur. 3 powders to 1 vial. As I'm injecting Suprefact at the same time, I injected Suprefact into the right side of my stomach and Menopur into my left. I have to alternate every day. I'd forgotten again how much it stung, and I'm not used to injecting twice into my stomach, so now I inject on either side, which is weird for me, but you do what you gotta do right? The Clexane will also be a daily injection, but frankly it'll be worth it. At least I know I'm going into it this time doing everything I possibly can. Whatever happens now is out of my hands. I hope so much, that I get through every stage..