Day 15 (3)

I keep forgetting which side I've been doing which, and stupidly didn't think to write it down on Wednesday.

Tonight:
Menopur = Left. Suprefact = Right.

Mood swings are definitely affected, but not feeling much bloating atm - I'm sure I was feeling more effects at this stage last time. Feeling worried that I'm not reacting as well as I should do. I don't know why, just a bad gut feeling. Hoping I'll be proved wrong.

Day 12 (3)

Phoned results line today. Everything's fine, so I need to start taking my Menopur tonight (225 = 3powders to one 'water') and Suprefact alongside it.

Turn up at 8am next Wednesday for bloods and scan. Basically turn up and take a number like everyone else there, and wait your turn. It's a bit like the meat counter at ASDA.

One thing I have noticed (but can't remember if I've mentioned), I'm bruising with every injection, which is odd, but then this whole try has been odd for me, and different to the 1st and 2nd attempts. (From the abdominal pain and mood swings with Suprefact, to the bruising with injections)

Day 10 (3)

So, back to the clinic today. I had a hormone blood test and DH had an AIDs test. Everyone gasps when you mention that bit, but care of child means that the clinic have to make sure we're both completely fit and healthy before they go ahead with tx. (I had an AIDs test a few month ago anyway, due to me being on the egg donor register). It's insulting really - especially cos people who are investing time, heart and soul in IVF are not going to risk pissing that up the wall at all, but there you go. It's done now.

I have to ring Wednesday afternoon for my results, to make sure I can start my Menopur on Wednesday evening. [DH gets his results at the same time, but obviously we're not worried about that in the slightest.]

I had my bleed on Day 7, but forgot to write it here.

Day 4 (3)

Yes. I totally feel like I'm doing this on my own. Much like I did last time. I appreciate it's just an injection, but it's not just my responsibility to remember when I need to take it. Doing it together, means just that. It means attending appointments together, no matter how trivial you might think it is, it means going through the drugs together, and remembering injection times.

Once again I feel totally alone again. I'm the one who went and chased up prices, plotted periods, found out about waiting lists and when we could go. Found out the info and booked in for an appointment, got onto the waiting list, am chasing clinics for drugs, remembering to inject, dealing with pain-relief, you know actually getting involved.

So yes, I am fucked off and fed up and feeling like frankly I am fucking invisible.

Then again, in a natural conception the bloke doesn't really get involved anyway. Maybe he's just following the stereotype?

Day 2 (3)

I've just realised that I hadn't actually explained giving Suprefact anywhere (hence my small panic just now, when trying to remember how to give it subcutaneously in my stomach). It's very easy actually.

Equipment needed:

• Rubber bunged bottle of Suprefact.
• 0.5ml needle (needle is very small, like a diabetic needle).
• Cotton wool swab (if needed).
• Sharps bin.

Draw 0.5ml of Suprefact into the syringe. Pinch a few cms of skin (anywhere horizontally below your navel), in between you forefinger and thumb and insert the needle horizontally (90 degrees). Depress plunger. Let go of skin once it's all in. Withdraw needle. Cap and dispose in the sharps bin. Not a problem. If it bleeds - wipe with cotton wool swab.

Smile and tell your husband it doesn't sting or itch like last time. Grin like a maniac for about 10 seconds, start to realise it does in fact itch like a b*stard, and have all the memories flood back. Remember this is normal.

I don't mind the itching. It's irritating but fine. Least it's not stinging this time.

Day 1 (3)

And so it begins. IVF for the 3rd and final time.

I gave myself my first Surprefact injection today (0.5ml). I have always given it in the stomach before but the nurse at our last appointment was insistent that I gave it in the thigh. So I did. I won't be doing that again. It really hurt! It also bled an awful lot.

Frankly, last time I did everything in my stomach, and ended up with 18 follicles, 15 of which contained eggs. It's a winning formula I'm not going to mess with. From tomorrow (and for the rest of the treatment, I am injecting in my stomach and the clinic can go jump.

Ow my thigh :(

Also, have decided to stay in Sheffield. Am very nervous about egg retrieval though - need to ring them up tomorrow and enquire about valium and morphine, which is apparently what they use in Cardiff. *crosses fingers anxiously*

Last train to transcentral

So, this really is it. Back to IVF for the last time.

Our appointment yesterday lasted far too long for anyone. nearly 2.5hrs. Trying to go into it with a positive viewpoint but it's very hard. I cried a lot, and felt so totally full of despair.

We basically have 2 options ahead of us.
Either:

• Go to Manchester and be knocked out, in which case everything stays at Manchester, or
  
• Stay at Sheffield, and risk feeling everything again.

We haven't decided what to do yet, but it's either #3,900, or 4,400. Which let's be honest, isn't cheap.

It's a mixture of emotions - half of you thinks it's worth every penny, the other half wonders why we're paying nearly 5K to have our hearts ripped out again. I can't not try though -
I have to know we've done everything we could, but this really is it for both of us.

We're not getting any younger, and if this doesn't work, we're going for adoption. I think I'd rather spend any future money on giving a child a home, rather than trying to fulfill my own biological clock. We so desperately want to be parents, and whereas adoption is an unknown minefield, and you hear bad things about it, there's no guarantee those bad stories wouldn't rear their head with a biological child anyway.

I need to check and see if I have any drugs left over from last time (Don't think I do unfortunately). Ring up Monday and pay the #649 for the drugs. Start down regging on the 6th September.. and we start it all again.

I'm trying to gain some positivity, but at the same time I'm not sure my head will let my heart get attached this time. Self-preservation and all that.