Hayfever

Really struggled this weekend with hayfever and taking nasal spray, hence haven't been out today. Spoke to the RMU about it and have to go in tomorrow mornings and start taking the nasal spray as an injection instead :/

So.. it's going.

I'm the mixer, DH's the stabber. I thought I'd be fine injecting myself, but it appears I'm not as fine as I thought I would be. The only time I've done it so far was yesterday, and it stung so badly - mixture of apprehension not wanting to ram it all in, and nerves making me ram it all in. So at 7.30 every morning, I take my nasal spray (getting much harder with my hayfever) and start mixing the drugs. Handling large needles when tired seems such a stupid idea, but we've done it so far :D Then DH injects me. He's really really good - think he missed a calling tbh. Besides, with him doing it at least I know it's done right, and it feels right as it's something we're doing together. I think he also prefers it this way.

Next appointment Thursday - to scan and see how much longer I need to take the drugs for, before egg retrieval.

Day 2: Inject (Day 1 of self-injecting)

So. The alarm went off at 7.30am, and I took nasal spray, then gathered all the paraphernalia on the bed:

• 2 needles
• 1 alcoholic wipe
• 1 plunger
• 2 powders
• 1 liquid ampule

So, first things first - snap the top off the liquid ampule - cue me getting glass into my fingers, which quickly mixed with blood and the half of liquid left. Typical.

We started again (DH did the ampule thing, and much better than me!). Mixed powders with liquid with large needle - gotta be said, straight needle and small bottle - HTF you're meant to get the angle, god only knows, but there you go. Everything mixed, mixing needle removed. Injecting needle attached, and rik tried it out. It didn't help we both collapsed into fits of giggles half way through - he was going that slow, I couldn't help making a joke about it. Laughing with a needle in your stomach is not a good idea!

Like last time it stung about 10seconds after injection was over, but the stinging disappeared really quickly this time. So I guess apart from the bad start, it went well. Why i thought for one second i could go back to sleep afterward, is anyones guess. started the mixing at 7.30am, gave injection at 7.56am. So pretty much 8am every morning. Bye bye lie-ins and weekends ;)

Update: Hosp appt

Went to Appointment in RMU at 12.30. Had internal scan: lining of the womb is thin, which is aweosme, because it was thick before the drugs. Still a little bit of fluid left, but that's coming out well anyway. Got stabbed.

'Stabbed' as in injection. Stung. a lot. Actual injection didn't hurt in the slightest. Tiny needle (though DH originally saw the 'mixing' needle and visibly blanched!). But fluid stung for about 15minutes. Feeling fine now though.

So I have to inject at the same time every day now. For 7 days. In 7 days I have to have a scan and they see how the ovaries are doing. Once they decide the ovaries are ready, I'll get another different injection, and 36hrs later they harvest my eggs.

I'm trying not to think of anything after that at the moment.

It's amazing just how little I want to talk about things these days. It's amazing just how few people I want to tell how I'm feeling. It's even surprised me.

So, treatment continues. I move from a nasal spray 3times a day, to a daily injection and twice daily nasal spray, tomorrow. DH has been lovely - very very soppy recently, well the last 24hrs. Weirdly so, but I'm not complaining, he's said some lovely stuff.

I don't know how i feel about this treatment anymore, and the most optimistic DH is, the less I am, to the extent I feel I'm tempting fate by even smiling about it. I can't smile about it, I'm too scared. I'm also aware people want to ask, and I don't want to volunteer the information. I don't want to have to think about it at all. I'm all too aware what the probable outcome is, and I don't feel like thinking about it just yet.

Aside from all that, this is not how I ever pictured my life - I guess no-one does really. It has brought to light just how unhappy I am about the fact that legally I will be classed as a single parent, and that I will be an unmarried mother, with either a different surname to my child, or the father of my child having a different surname to both me and our child.

I know it's fine for some. I know there's no stigma these day, but there is to me. It matters so much, to me. Is it so wrong to desperately want that 'family unit'? I'm not sure how to get over this, I'm scared I'll snap, blurt it all out, and ruin everything. This really isn't what I should be thinking, considering the situation.

Appointments

So we had the appointment

Generally
Weird. In general I was OK with things. Had things explained about embryo and sperm research and testing. Was unsure at first, wasn't sure what stage they were on about testing, and wasn't sure how that sat with me to be honest, but she explained that it was embryos we couldn't possibly use, that would be discarded anyway, and only at the cell stage, nothing further (which was my main concern).

The bit I hated, that I really hated and that made me feel dirty (not saying it should, but how it feels to me personally), was R having to sign a form to say that:
a) I could put his name on the birth certificate of our child
b) That he would agree to take legal responsibility for our child.

It just made me feel so seedy for want of a better way, and it really upset me. FFS it's a solid 7yr relationship where we've been trying for some time, have paid a lot of money to get where we are and are going through it together, so having to obtain his permission, it's just wrong and really annoys and upsets me. Especially because he didn't have to sign it. Obviously he was going to, but he didn't have to.

Drugs/ Treatment:Anyway, started nasal spray on Wednesday, for 3weeks, which will shut down my fertility, so they can decide when I'm ready (helps with op times etc and managing women). This helpfully might make me psychotic. Interesting.

Then I get daily injections for 14days - to soup everything up. Then when ready to collect eggs, one big injection the night before. Eggs collected, (via huge needle attached to an internal scan that goes up into my vagina, and through the womb walls to the ovaries, where it sucks everything out). 36hrs later (if eggs found and once fertilised), they're put back inside me, rather like a smear.

12days later there's a blood test.

This whole thing makes me incredibly nervous because I know the chances are so slim..