First post

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose an Assisted Conception Unit with a fucking big price tag, Choose scans and conversations, vial snappers and mixing needles. Choose good health, low fat, high fibre and vitamin supplements. Choose credit cards and remortgages. Choose your friends. Carefully. Choose stress and anxiety. Choose early starts and injecting, wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, analysing every single item of food you put into your mouth. Choose constant agitation and worry and waiting for results, and hoping at the end of it all to see the brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

Hmmm, gotta be honest none of this is striking me as cathartic yet, and who knows where it's going to end up. I decided that maybe this was the best way to go with everything that's gone on. something for me, somewhere I can write how I feel without platitudes or people telling me they get it, when frankly they don't have the first fucking clue. anononimity, gotta love it, can never fucking spell it.

I get bored with being expected to show my life to the masses, or rather the people who want to poke me with a stick and see how I react. Fucking violently is the answer, but I play nice and plot their downfall under my breath whilst cursing them and plaguing them with quite nasty infections and severed appendages. What can I say, I'm nothing if not imaginative (and vicious).

I wonder if I'm allowed to swear on this site. Gonna be a bloody short lived blog if not.

Went to ASDA to get some food, and whilst there DH suggested I get a bra. Went for the Katie Price range (shhh! Don't tell!) Seeing as I'm way out of 'normal' range in ASDA anyway. Bought a nice cream and pink bra, which actually looks amazing on. I fill it well. It's 32F! OMG!! *grins* So, it looks great, really great, it's a balcony type bra, so the straps aren't where I expect, and rub a little - I think I'll grow out of this quite quickly, but hopefully by the time I desperately need to update it it'll me maternity bras I'll be buying ;)

Out

So, I went to the wedding yesterday.

Turned up at V's house and just felt sick - it was a tip, complete tip, and smelt so weird. I don't know whether it actually did or whether it is me, but there you go. She offered me a drink and I had a drink of squash, but couldn't drink it all cos it smelt odd, and nothing was clean and I just didn't feel it was safe.

Anyway, spent a few hours absolutely terrified I could feel TotM coming - just awful, and was nearly in tears. DH arrived to take us and Val to the registry office (which was cringe-worthy) and I noticed how many people smoked, and couldn't stand far enough away without looking rude :( Noticed a heavily pregnant woman there who was smoking away with her partner, and got so angry! It bothered me all day. Pointed it out to DH and he said he wasn't convinced she was pregnant.

Left the registry office to go for family gathering a V's IL's house. There was smoking everywhere - and her MIL chainsmokes in the house, which I found incredibly difficult to get through. There was smoking outside, there was smoking inside, there was no getting away from it :/ Here we found out the woman I thought was pregnant, was indeed pregnant, and is due in August, with makes her 7months now, so I had no respect for her at all, or her partner, how can people do such things?! Also made me think, if she's been chain smoking through pregnancy and is 7months now, then I have more of a chance of things going OK, surely?

Evening reception was in the liberal club - which was heavily smoky, and I stayed for a bit until I saw some of my friends and then we left. Getting into the car all I could smell on me and DH was smoke, and it made me feel so sick and I felt wheezy (and still do this morning). Got home, ate a bit, and then threw up (think it's from the constant burping that I don't seem to be able to stop). Embarrassing really.

Today I have a headache and feel grody, but I'm sure it'll pass.

Took my last pessary last night, so from now on everything I feel will be 'me' which is nice, so I'll give it 48hrs or so to get out of my system, and hopefully it'll mean no more cramps! *crosses fingers*

Today I went looking for bras, but to no avail. My friend R asked if I'd had a boob job last night - I laughed and said no, she'd not wrong though, they're huge. I have one 32DD I'm still managing to squeeze them into, but it's not comfortable - I actually have a 'TotM bra', which is big and white, but right now it's invaluable, but not amazing unfortunately. Have ordered some cheap 32F bras to tide me over to 12weeks. Dreading going back to school, and have to find some trousers yet. Might look at stretchy trousers once everything is confirmed at the 6week scan

OMG OMG OMG!!! *bounces*

I don't know why there's such a large discrepency bewteen the days left.. seems a bit odd, at least they both agree on something. I am officially 4weeks pregnant ;)

Shit - I worked it out! the first one tells when I'm due, the 2nd one tells when baby is fully grown!! (40weeks being when medicals say baby should come out & everything is fully developed, but obv it never works that way) :D

Ow

This is not quite what I expected :(

Day of transfer, felt fine. Day after transfer - my boobs are huge, and so, so, so sore! And nipples? Christ, I could poke someone's eye out with them! :O
That night I took a pessary and woke up this morning with no more sore boobs! Neither R nor I are sure whether that's a good sign or not, or even if it's a stupid sign!

But holy fuck, the pain - I feel like I have a bowling ball in my stomach - and I think it's gas. Laughing hurts - a lot. I can't touch my stomach cos of the pain, and I have been belching like you wouldn't believe. Excuse the crudeness, but it feels like if I could only 'fart' everything would just stop hurting. This is ridiculous. Hell, I'm so glad I'm not in work through this, I can't even walk properly.

I don't even know if this is a sign or anything :'( I hate feeling like this, I hurt spo much :'(

-The- day

So we went in and had our appointment, and were told that we had 4 fertilised embryos. At this stage the expected 4cells but ours were 2. There wasn't a lot of hope in her voice, but they were going to try with 2 anyway and see how it goes (2 is better than none, right/?!). So we were led to a bay, where I put on a theatre gown, and R put on scrubs (omg, wow, he looked gorgeous!).

anyway, after messing about and taking pictures and me calling R a pirate, we were led to the little theatre where the procedure was going to be carried out. As you can imagine, not much dignity from my side - had to put my bum right on the edge of the table and then my legs were put in stirrups - gotta be honest, having 4people staring straight up my lady bits was not what I'd bargained for!

They put jelly on my stomach so the nurse could use the ultrasound to see where the catheter was going and the Dr could place the embryos correctly.

They checked our names and details many times, and we saw our embryos on a screen, and then we were told that some of the embryos had actually split into the 4cell stage, which is what they wanted :D

 

So.. I am 3 days pregnant.. which is an odd odd feeling.

What's even odder is that there's no guarantee it'll stay - so it's all luck now, and we're terrified.

Part results

Out of however many follicles, we got 8 eggs
Out of those 8 eggs, 6 were suitable to fertilise
Out of those 6 they tried to fertilitse, 4 of those did fertilise

Tomorrow at 1pm we go in for transfer, and a discussion on the quality of the embryos. Looks unlikely we'll be able to freeze any, which is a shame. Next go after this will cost £4000, mainly because of the drugs. If we simply had only embryos to implant, it would only cost £900.

Feeling nauseous and sore and very out of it. Thid morning they got 8eggs, which is cool. Now just hoping to god they'll fertilitise. In an ideal world 8 would, but chance of that are rare. 2 to implant and at least 2 to freeze, would be a good thing. Any more is a bonus. Find out tomorrow hopefully before12pm.]

*crosses fingers*

Last night I took a shot of Pregnyl at 11pm, which pretty much 'ripens' the eggs up before collection. Bloody nerve-wracking! Don't shake, don't spill, don't fuck it up! Managed to inject everything OK, which was something! :)

Today I had a day off from the injections which was nice, especially as my injecting patch is very sore!

Tonight I take a tablet of Lorazepam, which is a sedative. Tomorrow morning nothing to eat or drink, and take the other tablet at 8am. Have to be in the unit for 1030am, and then egg collection after that. We should find out how many eggs we have whilst we're there. We wont find out if any of them have fertilised until the Thursday.

Went for an internal scan on Thursday. They can see 10 follicles, but not as developed as they should be.. she talked about calling off treatment and restarting me in a month or more, on a higher dose.

Find out Sunday at 9.30am, when i have my next scan.

IoN, I am in much pain, and am hugely bloated - I am the human version of a flump. It's not much fun :'(

c-c-c-changes

Ouch. Apart from the ever bloating me, I know the drugs are working because my right ovary hurts. Sharp stabby pain. I'm not about to go rushing in panicking, because I have a scan tomorrow. But in contrast it makes me feel like there's absolutely nothing on my right side. Which is weird and unsettling.

Went to the hospital at 10.45am. The weight I'm carrying is very noticeable - I'm now carrying a body that resembles silly putty - you can pull and push and everything is squishy. I find it quite revolting tbh, but cracked a joke or two with the nurse about it today. Hoping it'll go when the drugs stop, else I shall be very unhappy :/

Now on injections instead of nasal spray. I did my first tonight - fine, but itches now. Least I'm getting the drugs anyway :)