Results

So it came and went. I was at least pregnant for a bit, this i know. I know R is convincing himself it didn't happen - probably a protection thing - it's not so easy to protect yourself though when you can feel every drop every twinge, feel everything puring out of you.

So it's back to waiting, to queuing to desperately trying to find the money for another go. To wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, wondering how many times we'll put ourselves through this. All I can think of, is that we can't afford to stay in our house, pay the mortgage, and bills and do IVF or raise a family.

All I can think of is the pain of egg collection, of feeling every movement of the needle, of crying constantly and desperately wishing it would end. Of the waiting - talking to yourself like a twat, with your hand protectively on your stomach, constantly. Of your heart in your mouth when the blood starts - of the tears, the inability to breathe, of the wish to go to sleep and never wake up.

So it all becomes cold and clinical and financial and soul-destroying, all over again...

Results

So this morning I got the call. Out of our 7 eggs, 7 were mature - which shows good quality. However, out of those 7 eggs, only 4 have fertilised, and we still don't know whether they will continue to divide yet until tomorrow morning.

Thing is, they said they'll ring us at 10am to let us know if/ how they've developed, but we'll already be on our way down anyway, because of motorways and traffic.

DH is positive and hopeful - I'm really not. I can't remember how I felt at this point last time, maybe it's the fact I'm still in pain after yesterday, but I feel negative and disheartened and just want to cry all the time. After everything that happened yesterday, I'm not sure I can do egg collection again. Definitely not awake anyway, and I don't think my clinic will even consider knocking me out.

I'm so scared, and terrified, and wish I wasn't so negative :'(

Egg Collection

I took my HcG shot at 2230 Saturday 3rd November. I was booked in for egg collection at 1030 Monday 5th November. I took 10mg temazepam the night before (as directed). We arrived at the clinic, waited around a bit, and went back through the paperwork again.

You know, I knew it was going to be painful, but that was ridiculous. Not something I was expecting at all.

I got changed, took my 2 remaining temazepam and took 2 paracetamol suppositories (believe me, when you're struggling to go to the loo anyway, nothing is more likely to make you want to go to the loo than shoving something up there).

So I went into the room, and luckily DH was allowed to come with me. I was told some people feel nothing. I wish that had been the case with me :(

First of all the game me some antibiotics, but couldn't find a vein that'd take it - yes I do appear to be a human pincushion. Eventually they administered them, my feet went into stirrups and the Dr gave me a local anaesthetic vaginally. Oh my god the pain was immense - luckily I was already on Entinox, but it didn't stop me crying throughout the whole procedure and feeling every movement of the needle, and I drained more than a cylinder of the gas too. I also really hurt DH's hand, that I held throughout the whole thing.

Out of 18 follicles (I had really hoped a few more would've grown over the weekend), they retrieved 15eggs. The recipient got the extra egg, which for some reason really pissed me off. I know I'm happy donating, but frankly after I went through the drugs and horrific egg collection I felt I'd earnt the extra. The nurses said the extra always goes to the recipient but not one managed to give me a good enough reason as to why, and I had never been told this during appointments. (You know, it comes to something when the pain and trauma you go through means you're not even entitled to keep your own egg.. Anyway, that's by the by, I will always feel pissy about that I guess).

Having harvested 15eggs I can see why some women are so so tempted to want to keep the lot - I thought of the needles I wouldn't have to go through, or the egg collection I wouldn't have to have, and I must admit, I was tempted. Who wouldn't be? I am, after all, only human. However I made a promise, and I don't break them. Hopefully those 8 eggs will help another couple have a child.

Now I had no problem with egg collection - I know what they do, I know it hurts a LOT after, I know the risks - however, for me, being awake throughout the whole thing was incredibly traumatic, and I felt made the whole IVF procedure a lot worse than it needed to be. I know there are anaesthetic risks, but frankly the risk of me moving during draining was far higher and ran a far higher risk of internal damage. If we have to do this again I really don't know what I'm going to do. The thought of going through this process again - awake, is already terrifying me.