We lost both pregnancies. Again. Resulting in 2 ectopics.

I was rushed to Drs with serious infection and he said I was lucky I hadn't died. He told us in no uncertain terms that there should be no more IVF.

I'm lucky to have him, and to have stayed with the same Dr throughout. I would have kept going over and over and over, and it would have destroyed us both.

Accepting I'll never carry our children - I'm not sure I'll ever get over it, but it is what it is. Hopefully time will tell/ heal/ make it hurt less.

12 MC's is enough for anyone.

12 MC's is too much for anyone.

Day 37 (3)

Actually this should be down as Day 12 really, as I'm meant to be counting from EC, but oh well.

Last couple of days (Wednesday Thursday) were cramps and massive boobs. Then Friday DH said boobs looked smaller. I haven't had any cramps, I'm feeling normal. I am terrified. It seems pretty obvious from DH's reaction he doesn't think it's worked and I am absolutely gutted.

Also pessaries are lasting about 2-3hours. whereas before there was little to no excess, this time it's all out within a few hours. I don't know why either.

I could go for a blood test tomorrow but what's the point? Will wait for the inevitable urine test on Saturday/ Sunday.

Feel so miserable and numb

Day 29 - 32 (3)

I have been avoiding this place, I know I have.. anyway - a few days to go.

Day 29
We were rung at 10am and told that out of 12 eggs, only 9 were suitable (mature), and out of those 9 eggs, only 5 fertilised. All of them 4 cell but not of great quality apparently (huge difference from my text book perfect eggs of yesteryear). We wouldn't have any to freeze, due to quality, and the final eggs to be transfered would be decided when we got in for transfer at 2pm.

Got in slightly early (traffic panics me) and was busting for the loo. Anyone who tells you just to 'let a bit out' is having a laugh. Trust me. Anyway I just about managed it and continued to pace around the room like a mad person until they were ready.

Anyway, when we were shown up to the room we were told the best ones to put back in were a 5 and a 6 cells, respectively. They also gave us a picture of them. It's not great quality, but never mind.

I got changed into a dressing gown, and went in for transfer. Everything put in. Now to wait.

What I hadn't realised up until now, is that unlike there being a massive space the embryos float about in and hopefully latch onto, the womb is actually more like a jam sandwich, so everything is close together and quite sticky, but you still have to keep your fingers crossed.

Took my shot of Heparin at 6pm, it will be 7pm from now on. Also used a pessary at the clinic.

So, the drug routine will be:
10.00: Pre-natal vitamins, aspirin, calcichew
10.30: Utrogeston pessary
19.00: Heparin shot
22.30: Utrogeston pessary

On the way home we stopped at Meadowhall for distraction and got Rock Band (which I'd been thinking about quite obsessively). Got home, set it up - all is well, and we are rocking!


Day 30
Spent most of the day playing in a band I created on Rock Band. Laura came round about 3.30pm, which saw us then pull a 12hour stint on Rock Band, with an awful lot of giggling and messing about, and I cooked tea, in between, for us all :D


Day 31
Played Rock Band most of the morning til Laura had to go. Such a brilliant addictive game, and truly brilliant for making you laugh and keeping you occupied! Once Laura left, I carried on playing solo as DH was busy with his own things.


Day 32
Once again I whiled away the hours on Rock Band. The whole day has flown by and I'm sung and guitared mainly. I have finished a Solo Tour with guitar [easy] with Travis. I appear to have 2 guitarists, but hey, whatever distracts me!

Normally, on a 2week wait I am fretting about every single ache and pain and twinge and lack of symptoms. This time I am being truly distracted (and I only came on here cos I knew I had to update this).

However, I have been suffering major constipation, which is painful, and only masses of prune juice is helping - never quite suffered with it this much before :( Then again I've never eaten as many carbs - and normally my intake is minimal, but apparently they help with energy and everything else, so there you go.

I do have stomach cramps - but I'm trying not to think about them. Don't have symptoms - my 'fake boobs' symptom of previous pregnancies has not appeared this time. It makes me incredibly nervous and I'm trying not to worry or give it much thought.

Day 27 & 28 (3)

Day 27

Went to take my oramorph, only it had been handily thrown out. So worked myself up into a state of panic. Took a Diazepam/ Valium (5mg) at 0820. Left the house, got there at 0930 and waited around for someone to notice we were there. Got more and more anxious as I'd been told to take meds 1hr before egg collction. Got up to a room and went through paperwork at 0940 and got to take tabs etc at 0945-0950. Took Temazepam (30mg), Diazepam (5mg) and the Voltarol suppository (100mg). Waited around a bit more getting more and more nervous. Took another 5mg Diazepam 10mins before due to go in

Went in for egg collection. It hurt. A lot. However, not as much as last time and not that I remember too well (thanks to the Valium). Got 12 eggs. Got out of the collection and went back into my room where I lay down and then slept for an hour.

Went home (via Subway) and sat on the sofa. After a bit I felt a bit nauseous and lay down, and slept for a few hours, blissfully. Eventually got up and cooked tea and then watched TV of the sofa. Peeing has involved a lot of blood. They said I'd be spotting (this time is nothing compared to last time, basically a tiny bit on the panty liner provided - and that's geneally been in), but there has been a lot of blood in my urine (as a woman you know the difference between where the blood is coming from). I'm not in huge amounts of pain, just feeling slightly bloated and sore, and like I said, compared to everything last time, this is a breeze in comparison so I can deal with it.


Day 28

Phonecall at 10am. Out of 12 eggs, only 9 were suitable for fertilising. Out of those 9, only 5 took. Gutted, was hoping they'd all take tbh. Won't know til 10am tomorrow morning whether any of them are viable or what grade they are, and I have egg transfer at 2pm - so have to be there at 1.45pm with a full bladder (right now mine can't cope with being bigger than the size of a walnut).

I no longer have blood in my urine, though it's still sore to pee, almost like cystitis feeling. Managed to pass a 'solid' today - also a huge step from last time (where I couldn't go without utter agony for over a week). As of tomorrow I'm back to eating ice-cream every evening and hoping everything works out. Have to take my pessaries and injection in tomorrow for transfer and find out exactly what time I need to be injecting I guess. From then on it'll be every 24hrs.

Day 26 (3)

Phoned the clinic this morning and explained the injection. They said I hadn't needed to use both 'waters' (would have been helpful to have known beforehand, right?), but it wouldn't have hurt.

So, be in clinic at 0930 tomorrow for EC at 1030. Means leaving here at 0830. So very very nervous about the whole procedure. Can't remember when we find out about the rest - might be Thursday.

Have to take Temazepam (10mg) tonight before bed, and am also going to take Diazepam (5mg) too, in the hope I sleep, and will give me a rough idea on how suceptible I am to it.

Transfer should Friday.

Day 25

Just done my shot of Pregnyl. You think at some point it would have been handy to have been given some instructions on what the hell to do. I had 2 ampules of liquid, & 2 ampules of powder. Didn't know whether I was meant to put 2 powders in 1 liquid or what, so I mixed everything together. Really narked and fed up. It's a fairly major injection and I could have just fucked it right up. It bled a lot loads too.

Will have to ring clinic tomorrow and hope to fuck I haven't ballsed everything up. Pretty pissed off. Partly my fault for not having checked everything first, pretty sure it was a pre-mixed shot last time, so I really wasn't expecting to have to draw stuff up and mix it before injecting it. Didn't help that DH went to get needles and didn't know which ones - which wound me up immediately - only been doing this for what, 3 weeks?..

What worried me about the Pregnyl, was that I only just had enough space for all the liquid, so pretty sure now I didn't need all the liquid, but it's too late now. Just have to hope that using all the liquid hasn't completed fucked everything.

Day 25 (3)

Scan this morning. Nurses were totally lovely and we chatted throughout. I have 9 viable follicles atm, and more that are still too small (damn it!). Egg collection looking like Wednesday - have to ring this afternoon for blood results. One of my follicles is 29, and they only need to be 17, so apparently there's no way they'll leave me longer (just as well, as I have no drugs left).

Pic shows the difference between scan on day 20 and scan today (25). As you can see, 5 follicles vs 16 follicles. Just hope to god that those 10s etc grow to at least 17. *crosses fingers hopefully* The follicles on the left side are still on the top of my uterus, apparently it means they'll lave to press down on my stomach to get them and there's still no guarantee they will be able to get them *nervous*. The bottom numbers are the thickness of my endometrium. Mine is textbook still. Mine is always textbook. Just hoping everything stays this time.

Am very nervous about collection - no shock there. Waiting for 1.30pm now, to find out what time they need me in. when I ring they will no doubt give me the time to take Pregnyl etc and it'll be my last injection until they put them back in *more crossing of fingers*